Who I Am

When I was in high school Sandra Benson gave our class an assignment to write an essay about who we were. At the time, I honestly didn't know. I thought I did. But a lot of my essay was defining myself through my relationship with others. I wrote things like I am a daughter of God or I'm Barbara's granddaughter. Both of those things are true, but hardly relevant to who I am. Heavenly Father has billions of daughters and my grandma has three granddaughters. I could go through and list all the many ways that I described myself in terms that were hardly unique, however, that would make for a boring read. All through college I was the same. I was a student, a friend, a daughter. Not to mention I was constantly underestimating myself.
Now, after years of experiencing the world, myself, and the ever so fascinating world of psychology; I know who I am. So I thought I would take this opportunity to re-write my essay and tell who I am. Everything I do, I do deeply. I never sit on the fence about anything. I always pick a side and usually pretty quickly. I'm understanding and I don't expect people to see the world the same way that I do. However, I see the world as such a beautiful place with so much opportunity and so much beauty. Sometimes that beauty is just underneath the surface. That's why I fell in love with psychology. Think about it, the study of the processes of the brain. Not the organ, but what the organ produces...it's almost more like the study of the soul. Most people are so beautiful if you just give them the opportunity to get past all of the crap that makes them ugly. I love my family, even more for their mistakes than for their successes. I think that a single mistake says a lot more about a person than a lifetime of successes ever could. I laugh at pretty much everything. If I'm laughing, I genuinely think something is funny- I hate fake laughter. It's like fake love, you're taking one of the purest things in the world and adulterating it. I'm a strong person. At some point I would really love to have someone to take care of me, but right now...I'm really loving the independence and freedom that comes from being alone. That's probably because it took me twenty-one and a half years to figure out that if I wanted to make people happy I had to start with me. And I am genuinely happy. Sometimes I'm surprised at how happy I am. My little brother is probably my best friend in the whole world because I can say, "Remember that one thing at the place?" and he knows exactly that one thing in that one place that I'm talking about. My mom thinks that our brains pick up a frequency that only we can hear. I love shopping because I love the feeling that wearing something new gives me...like buying confidence. I love reading because the world in novels is so organized. That has always appealed to the OCD side of me. Everyone should have a place where they belong and a way that their life works for them. I have this love affair in my brain with people. You know that line from Superman that says, "They can be a great people, they want to be" I've always believed that people have so much potential. Which leads into the fact that I'm like a momma bear protecting her cub when it comes to my friends. My friends are the people that I see the most potential in. I am the most loyal, most fierce friend a person could ever ask for. Once I'm your friend, that's it...you can't ever get rid of me, I'm like your own personal cheerleader encouraging you on to greatness. I believe that's what friends are for, to encourage you to be the very best possible version of yourself. Audrey Hepburn once gave advice about how to be beautiful and a line from that quote has stuck with me most of my life- it's all beautiful advice- but my favorite line was,
"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody". So, even when my friends aren't living up to their potential, I hang on. I love quotes because on the one hand it's a beautiful thing to receive life lessons from those wiser, older, or funnier than yourself. And on the other hand it is nice to know there are people out there who can put your thoughts into prettier or more effective words than you can. I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not because I have been brain washed or because I have been deluded into the God Myth. But because it's true. My whole life is a testament to that fact. My life is full of love. Love for my family and love for my friends, but it is the supreme love of Jesus Christ that shines in every dark corner of my life and allows me to be filled with joy and to experience perfect love. What more can a girl ask for? So, I didn't realize that I was sitting down to write my memoir tonight, but here it is all one thousand pages. Ha ha. Who would think that I would be wordy? You know you love me, Jess Bess