Feels Like Home?

Lately I feel like a broken record. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm mad at this boy. I don't know what to do with my life. I like this boy. I don't know what to do with my life... you all are going crazy wanting to punch me in the face or the stomach since that is probably where you will be sick if you have to hear about how bad my life sucks one more time. I'm sorry! Thanks for bearing with me even though you'd rather be somewhere else. But, I'm going to make you all crazy one more time because blogging is very therapeutic for me. I kind of just need everything out there and organized in writing. Ha ha. So, I had an epiphany of sorts tonight. I had this panicky overwhelmed feeling overcome me, like there is so much that I need to accomplish and I'm running out of time to do it. And I didn't know what to do. I was sitting in a chair crying when I needed to talk to a certain someone. I never understand why I need to talk to him or why I need him in my life. So I started thinking about it. And I remembered something that happened when I was sixteen. It was the last day of school-junior year. And for some reason a friend and I weren't invited to go to breakfast with our friends. So we decided to forget them and hang out with some other girls and go to lunch with them in Cedar to celebrate our summer freedom. Everything was fun and fine at lunch, we had a good time, all was well. Then two of the girls who rode with us wanted to stop by the apartment of some college boys they knew. When we got to the apartment there was a bong laying on the counter and a bag of weed in another room, the whole apartment smelled like weed and the guys were totally creepy. I was raised in a bar with alcoholics, but drugs were new for me. I didn't know what to do- it was one of those experiences where you are sick because the Spirit just flew out the window. The two girls we were with wanted to stay so my friend and I drove around town for a couple of hours waiting because we didn't want to leave them. It really wasn't the biggest deal. I've had much more upsetting experience since then. But I spent the rest of the day trying to get rid of that sick feeling I got from the loss of the Holy Ghost. Later that day I was driving around town thinking and I saw this boy and a friend playing a game. So I stopped to talk to them. As soon as I could look into his eyes, the bad, sick feeling was gone. And I felt instantly safe. In that moment I knew that no matter what happened, I was safe with him. That no matter what happened, if he could help it, he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me. To this day that boy makes me feel safe in a way that no one else does. I know from life experience that he would do pretty much anything for me. So I guess that's why, at the end of a bad day, I need him in my life to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need him to tell me that because I know that he wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. He feels like home. And to quote the Dixie Chicks, "I need something to believe in, Breathe in sanctuary in the, Easy silence that you make for me, It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me, And the peaceful quiet you create for me, And the way you keep the world at bay for me". No matter what's going on, he always feels like my center, my constant, my home base, if you will... the one place that I'm always safe. And no matter how hard I try I can't seem to let that go- because no matter how hard I push, he always answers when I call.