Plans, Dreams, and Destruction

Sometimes you have this plan. A plan for how your life is going to be. A plan for children, a plan for a husband. A plan for a family. One day this boy walks into your life and you know that this boy would make your plan work perfectly. He fits into the plan so well. Nothing would change. Because when you made this plan you cut out a silhouette for exactly that boy. Sometimes when that boy walks out of your plan it feels like the rest of the plan won't work without him. It feels like he took the plan with him. Where does that leave you? When the perfect man and the perfect plan take off and leave you with nothing but doubts and insecurities. Where do you go? What do you do? The rest of the plan doesn't make sense without him. Do you start a new plan? If you're me... the solution to this is to run away. Run away fast and run away hard, and try like hell not to look back. But sometimes the boy doesn't know that he wrecked your plans and your dreams and he still wants to be friends. It's hard to run away when he is holding your hand. What if the person you gave your heart to is crushing it to pieces, but he won't let go of it? What then? What if watching him crush your heart and your dreams isn't nearly as painful as the idea of living without him? Does that make you weak? Does that make you pathetic?

Thank You Taylor Swift

Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known that

I'm not a princes, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake I didn't know
To be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know that

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now

Isn't it funny how a teenager has life figured out more than I do... I'm taking her lead and walking away. FINALLY. All of you who know what I'm referring to can let out a sigh of relief now.

Things that change

"I'm tired of chasing my dreams. They can just tell me where they are going and I'll catch up with them later..." I don't know who said this, but I feel like maybe they were applying to graduate school. Lately so many things have been changing. Usually I'm not very good with change. However, lately I've needed it. There was a song Bethany Joy Galeotti sang on One Tree Hill many moons ago that pretty much sums up my life. It goes, "It's October again, leaves are coming down. One more year has come and gone and nothing's changed at all. Wasn't I supposed to be the one who can face the things that I've been running from? Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown Let me fall, even if I hit the ground And if I... Cry a little Die a little At least I know I lived, just a little... I've become much too good at being invincible I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be I refuse to let my life roll all over me... Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown Let me fall, even if I hit the ground And if I... Cry a little Die a little At least I know I lived, just a little... I wanna be somebody I, I wanna be somebody I wanna be somebody I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown Let me fall, even if I hit the ground And if I Cry a little Die a little At least I know I lived... It's October again Leaves are coming down One more year's come and gone And nothing's changed at all" I don't want to go another year alone. So if my entire life needs to be shoved in a blender and everything gets all mixed together, so be it. I need to be different. I need to be more. I don't want to be one of those people who looks good on paper but seems a little dry in real life. Mainly I'm just sick of being afraid of everything. Another song from One Tree Hill is kind of how I'm feeling right now, "you cant break a broken heart, so try you best now baby, try your best to break me, you cant break a broken heart, no damage you can do now i'm immune to you now, you cant break what broke apart". My heart has been broken so many times that I'm not sure there are big enough pieces left to hurt. So my thinking is that I have no where left to go but up, right? As I told my therapist, "I know how to be healthy, now I need to figure out how to be happy". And I'm finally willing to risk enough to do a little trial and error. I wrote before about the enormity of the options before me. Well, I'm sick of sitting around trying to figure out which one will be best. I'm just going to jump into options until I find one that fits. So if you have any suggestions, I'm willing to test it out...

Doing what I'm supposed to do.

For as long as I can remember I have always done exactly what I'm supposed to do. I was in every club in high school. I was a cheerleader. I played tennis. I graduated with honors. In college, same story. I was in clubs. I was on student government. I went to therapy and worked hard to get past all my issues. Just what I was supposed to do. Once again, I graduated with honors. Then I got a job in my field. Just like I was supposed to. Now, I'm in the middle of applying for graduate school after taking that year off. Just like I was supposed to. My parents brag about me to all of their friends, "Look at my daughter, isn't she just perfect" and of course their friends are envious because their children lack "focus" and "goals". I love school. I don't think I will ever belong anywhere as well as I belong in the realm of academia. That is where I thrive. Ever since I graduated though, and here's where the BUT comes in, I've had this nagging urge to do something crazy, out of character, unexpected. I was talking to Bridget about this last week and she asked what I wanted to do and the first thing that came to mind was travel. Then, I was watching One Tree Hill last night, and I know this is a weird place to come up with inspiration, but Lucas was adapting his novel into a screenplay and I remembered that ever since I was a little girl I have always wanted to write a novel. There is something else I have always wanted to do but it always seemed a little far fetched, I have always wanted to learn Greek. I know it's not very practical to know Greek. But you remember that saying, "It's all greek to me."? I always wanted to be able to say, "Greek makes sense to me." Then I was talking to Bethany last weekend and she gave me some advice that I was very willing to accept. She said that you find pieces of yourself in different places, so go find them. I think my biggest issue right now is that I don't want to look back at my life and regret the things I didn't do. So, I need all of your help to be more spontaneous and to not hold back because I feel self-conscious. Thanks in advance. Ha ha.

No on Hate

As you probably know I have been a pretty vocal supporter of gay rights for years, Nina, Melanie, and I even wrote a bill in support of gay marriage in high school. So, you could say I tend to be sympathetic to their cause. However, their behavior in response to the passing of proposition 8 is making me regret those years. Do they really think that 52% of California is Mormon? Who would have guessed that a religion who believes in the old testament would not support the same thing that destroyed soddom and gamorrah? I love their protest signs that say "no on hate" when they are actively engaging in hate crimes against a church that does nothing but good. Yes, lets protest the house of God. We live in a democracy. That's what makes our country great. A government by the people and for the people. I heard a protestor on tv the other night talking about how it is ridiculous for the majority to dictate what rights the minority has. But that's how the government works. That's how everything works. The many are not going to bend over backwards to accomodate the few. Nudists aren't hurting anyone but it's still called indecent exposure when you walk around with your reproductive organs flapping unmolested in the breeze. No one is taking away the rights of people to be gay. They are just saying that homosexual marriage isn't legal. However, protesters are trying to take away the right of freedom of speech and freedom of religion. And those are freedoms insured by the constitution specifically. Like I said, I was all for not taking away people's agency but when we are talking about bringing that into schools- that's a different story. A third grade teacher told her students that a prince can marry a prince and a princess can marry a princess. That's a little too much for me. As for those members of the church who want to be gay and still maintain their membership, you have to pick a side. Either you believe in the prophet and follow his counsel or you don't. God isn't going to change His mind because you want Him to. And trying to fight the church is just going to leave you excommunicated and bitter. It's a church. It's not a democracy. It's an oligarchy. And everyone is acting like California is going to set a precedence, but did anyone notice that two other states did the same thing on election day? To all of the no on 8 people out there who peacefully accepted the results, kudos. For all of you protesters, and that includes all the people out there who are protesting the protesters, maybe you should read your signs. Because I'm all in favor of voting for and supporting no hate.