So this is Kate Voegele, not Taylor Swift...
As high as the moon
So high were my spirits
When you sang out my name
And coming from you
It was enough just to hear it
Oh, it rang like the bells did today
But even the sturdiest ground
Can shift and can tremble and let us fall down…
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
Cause if I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard
In the days of my folly
I followed your lead
Did what Simon Says to do
But I won’t let melancholy
Play me for a fool
Oh, no I’m on my way somewhere new
And as far as your lack of something to say
Well, to tell me goodbye there was no better way
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard
So don’t keep me up till the dawn
With words that’ll keep leading me on
I know much better than to wait for an answer from you
Kindly unspoken
You show your emotion
And silence speaks louder than words
It’s lucky I’m clever
If I didn’t know better
I’d believe only that which I’d heard
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
You're Not Sorry
All this time I was wasting hoping you would come around.
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.
And it's taken me this long baby but I figured you out.
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around.
You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, ohh no no no
Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know.
Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold.
And you've got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know.
And now you're asking me to listen cause it's worked each time before.
You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, ohh no no no
You're not sorry ohh no no
You had me calling for you honey and it never would have gone away, no.
You used to shine so bright but I watch our loving fade.
So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, ohh no no
You're not sorry ohh no no no
I've been giving out chances every time and all you do is let me down.
And it's taken me this long baby but I figured you out.
And you think it will be fine again but not this time around.
You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, ohh no no no
Looking so innocent, I might believe you if I didn't know.
Could've loved you all my life if you hadn't left me waiting in the cold.
And you've got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know.
And now you're asking me to listen cause it's worked each time before.
You don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
Don't wanna hurt anymore
And you tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, ohh no no no
You're not sorry ohh no no
You had me calling for you honey and it never would have gone away, no.
You used to shine so bright but I watch our loving fade.
So you don't have to call anymore
I won't pick up the phone
This is the last straw
There's nothing left to beg for
And you tell me that you're sorry
But I don't believe you baby
Like I did before
You're not sorry, ohh no no
You're not sorry ohh no no no
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Being Not Creative
From now on I'm just going to post the lyrics to whichever Taylor Swift song most accurately describes my life at the moment... why am I a seventeen year old girl? I don't know the answer to that question.
I'd Lie
I don't think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He'll never fall in love
He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair
I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke, I fake a smile
But I know all his favorite songs
And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie
He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn't a light go on
Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long
And he sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don't let nobody see me wishin' he was mine
I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie
He stands there, then walks away
My God, if I could only say
I'm holding every breath for you
He'd never tell you
But he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My God, he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle
Yes, I could tell you
His favorite color's green
And he loves to argue
Oh, and it kills me
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him...
if you ask me if I love him...
I'd lie
I'd Lie
I don't think that passenger seat
Has ever looked this good to me
He tells me about his night
And I count the colors in his eyes
He'll never fall in love
He swears, as he runs his fingers through his hair
I'm laughing 'cause I hope he's wrong
And I don't think it ever crossed his mind
He tells a joke, I fake a smile
But I know all his favorite songs
And I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie
He looks around the room
Innocently overlooks the truth
Shouldn't a light go on
Doesn't he know that I've had him memorized for so long
And he sees everything black and white
Never let nobody see him cry
I don't let nobody see me wishin' he was mine
I could tell you
His favorite color's green
He loves to argue
Born on the seventeenth
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him
I'd lie
He stands there, then walks away
My God, if I could only say
I'm holding every breath for you
He'd never tell you
But he can play guitar
I think he can see through everything but my heart
First thought when I wake up is
My God, he's beautiful
So I put on my make-up
And pray for a miracle
Yes, I could tell you
His favorite color's green
And he loves to argue
Oh, and it kills me
His sister's beautiful
He has his father's eyes
And if you ask me if I love him...
if you ask me if I love him...
I'd lie
Monday, December 15, 2008
Whoever said "All publicity is good publicity" was clearly not from Parowan...
AN AMERICAN MOMENT: Road to the inauguration
In Utah, the Parowan Prophet predicts disaster will prevent Obama from taking office
Kirk McKoy / Los Angeles Times
Leland Freeborn and 12 other survivalists meet every Monday at his home. The group believes Leland is a prophet and they come to hear his predictions.
'He will not be the next president,' Leland Freeborn warns those who will listen. He and his followers expect nuclear explosions this Christmas season.
Reporting from Parowan, Utah -- Our trip to the Parowan Prophet began with a letter to the St. George Spectrum. It was set among missives proposing that oil companies bail out Detroit automakers, that county inmates be forced to winter in tents, that lawyers be barred from public office. A rough crowd.This particular letter to the editor in the St. George, Utah, newspaper carried the headline " 'Prophet' shares grim forecast," and it was signed by one Leland Freeborn of Parowan, who wrote that he was known to many as the Parowan Prophet.
Related Content
"I think that you should hear what my opinion about the Obama election is: that he will not be the next president. I said on my home page in August that if he lost to expect to see the 'riots' that 2 Peter 2:13 tells us about. He didn't lose. But the story is not finished yet. I still think they may begin the riots before Christmas 2008, as I said."
These riots, according to his prophecy, will encourage the "old, hard-line Soviet guard" to seize the moment and rain down nukes on the United States, killing at least 100 million of us.
"Prepare now," Freeborn's letter concluded. "We are downwind from Las Vegas. I hope you can survive."
It took an hour to reach the prophet, a high-country drive through stunning red-rock formations, the color of which matches the politics in this corner of southern Utah. A freeway billboard, depicting a nuclear mushroom cloud, provided directions to the prophet's two-story house.
The frontyard seemed a staging ground for rapid flight -- two or three motor boats, a raft, a canoe, a recreational vehicle and an old sedan, parked with its engine running.
The man who answered our unexpected knock wore a cowboy hat with a big feather stuck in the band, and a beard suggestive of St. Nick. We asked to see the prophet. He said we had the right guy.
Freeborn hobbled out the door on crutches and eased into a wheelchair on the porch. As it turned out, he was heating the car not for rapid escape from a nuclear cloud, but to take a neighbor to the doctor.
"I only have nine minutes," he said.
It was enough time to sketch out his history -- a Mormon of substance, a father of 12, he had crashed his airplane in 1975 and fallen into a three-week coma, during which he went through "to the other side" and emerged a prophet.
Freeborn, now 66, took "a plural wife," as he put it, and parted ways with the church. He forfeited his wealth, spreading word of his prophecies. He appears to live now mainly on sales of newsletters and survival information packets advertised on his website.
Asked for examples of successful prophecies, he offered O.J. Simpson's murder acquittal and Al Gore's winning of the popular vote in 2000. But his core insight has been a repeated dream of seeing nuclear flashes to the west while shopping at a Wal-Mart during Christmas season.
And this, he warned, appears to be the year.
As Freeborn rose to leave, he said he would be hosting a weekly religious meeting that night. He urged us to come.
"If you can write a story," Freeborn said, "you can save a lot of lives in L.A."
There were about a dozen believers in the two front rooms, men and women of all ages, squeezed together on couches and dining room chairs.
All of them had broken with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints over polygamy and other departures from what they believe was the original vision of the church founder Joseph Smith. And all said they regarded Freeborn a prophet.
The cluttered room was filled with Bibles and religious tracts, government maps depicting potential nuclear targets, and framed photographs of mushroom clouds.
For 90 minutes -- while two boys played on the carpet with a calculator and a marked-up Book of Mormon -- the adults read aloud selected biblical verses, passages from Smith's biography and text pulled from an unidentified website.
After each reading, they discussed how these fragments all pointed to a singular end: nuclear destruction brought on by the Lord's wrath.
Freeborn sprawled in a stuffed chair, directing the discussion and sometimes correcting his acolytes. It was a congenial group, but not much given to small talk. As the night wound down, Freeborn returned to his core prophecy.
"I really believe we are out of time," he said. "I really do."
Freeborn conceded that he'd issued similar warnings many times before, and still the world kept spinning. Prophecy, he said, is not an exact science.
"I've been at it for 30 years, and I have always really believed it," he said. "Now, if we go on, that's great. Maybe we can get some more people to repent."
He seemed weary, referring to himself as a "gimpy old crippled guy from Parowan." He described going on radio and, mocked by the host, receiving not a single request from the audience for survival information. He said he has been shunned in town, his property vandalized. He recited from memory a scriptural passage about "scoffers."
The prophet's eyes reddened, and I could sense his frustration as he sized us up as two more likely nonsubscribers. As he dropped his head in contemplation, it occurred to me: How terrible it must be to believe what this man truly appears to believe, and yet have so few willing to listen.
Perhaps for our benefit, the group volunteered some secular support for Freeborn's prophecy. Perhaps economic meltdown would trigger the riots. Maybe there would be an uprising over an automaker bailout.
"One thought you might have," came a voice from somewhere behind me, "is that we don't have any leadership now until January. See what I am saying? We are in limbo. If they do something tomorrow, who is going to decide?"
The night's last word belonged to the prophet.
"Everything is coming together," Freeborn said, "and it fits right now."
He presented us with brown medicine bottles filled with iodide crystals -- to ward off the effects of radiation.
"I don't think you are going to finish your trip back East," the Parowan Prophet said, urging us to reconsider our journey to the inauguration.
Nonetheless, with our little brown bottles of iodide, we will press on. The rest of you are warned.
King is a Times staff writer.
This ran in the LA times...I have no words.
Monday, December 8, 2008
A few of my favorite things
"It´s only when you´re tested that you truly discover who you are. And it´s only when you´re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere in the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the HEARTACHE and fear of life."
"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there…because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else-something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize…you're happy."
"You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and pain is actually really healing, and beautiful, and sort of poetic? It's not, it's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love, and faith, and belief is not having it."
"A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous."
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond."
"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it."
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where –" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"– so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
"Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there…because you can't remember a time in your life when it wasn't. But then one day you feel something else-something that feels wrong, only because it's so unfamiliar. And in that moment you realize…you're happy."
"You know that romantic notion that all the garbage and pain is actually really healing, and beautiful, and sort of poetic? It's not, it's just garbage and it's pain. You know what's better? love. The day that you start thinking that love is overrated is the day that you're wrong. The only thing wrong with love, and faith, and belief is not having it."
"A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous."
"I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond."
"I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it."
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where –" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"– so long as I get somewhere," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Plans, Dreams, and Destruction
Sometimes you have this plan. A plan for how your life is going to be. A plan for children, a plan for a husband. A plan for a family. One day this boy walks into your life and you know that this boy would make your plan work perfectly. He fits into the plan so well. Nothing would change. Because when you made this plan you cut out a silhouette for exactly that boy. Sometimes when that boy walks out of your plan it feels like the rest of the plan won't work without him. It feels like he took the plan with him. Where does that leave you? When the perfect man and the perfect plan take off and leave you with nothing but doubts and insecurities. Where do you go? What do you do? The rest of the plan doesn't make sense without him. Do you start a new plan? If you're me... the solution to this is to run away. Run away fast and run away hard, and try like hell not to look back. But sometimes the boy doesn't know that he wrecked your plans and your dreams and he still wants to be friends. It's hard to run away when he is holding your hand. What if the person you gave your heart to is crushing it to pieces, but he won't let go of it? What then? What if watching him crush your heart and your dreams isn't nearly as painful as the idea of living without him? Does that make you weak? Does that make you pathetic?
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thank You Taylor Swift
Say you're sorry
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known that
I'm not a princes, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around
Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake I didn't know
To be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know that
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around
And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry
Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now
Isn't it funny how a teenager has life figured out more than I do... I'm taking her lead and walking away. FINALLY. All of you who know what I'm referring to can let out a sigh of relief now.
That face of an angel
Comes out just when you need it to
As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known that
I'm not a princes, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around
Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance
My mistake I didn't know
To be in love
You had to fight to have the upper hand
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know that
I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you
And your white horse, to come around
And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry
Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now
And its too late for you and your white horse
Now its too late for you and your white horse, to catch me now
Isn't it funny how a teenager has life figured out more than I do... I'm taking her lead and walking away. FINALLY. All of you who know what I'm referring to can let out a sigh of relief now.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Things that change
"I'm tired of chasing my dreams. They can just tell me where they are going and I'll catch up with them later..." I don't know who said this, but I feel like maybe they were applying to graduate school. Lately so many things have been changing. Usually I'm not very good with change. However, lately I've needed it. There was a song Bethany Joy Galeotti sang on One Tree Hill many moons ago that pretty much sums up my life. It goes, "It's October again, leaves are coming down. One more year has come and gone and nothing's changed at all. Wasn't I supposed to be the one who can face the things that I've been running from? Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown Let me fall, even if I hit the ground And if I... Cry a little Die a little At least I know I lived, just a little... I've become much too good at being invincible I'm an expert at play it safe, and keep it cool But I swear this isn't who I'm meant to be I refuse to let my life roll all over me... Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown Let me fall, even if I hit the ground And if I... Cry a little Die a little At least I know I lived, just a little... I wanna be somebody I, I wanna be somebody I wanna be somebody I, I wanna be somebody who can face the things that I've been running from Let me feel, I don't care if I breakdown Let me fall, even if I hit the ground And if I Cry a little Die a little At least I know I lived... It's October again Leaves are coming down One more year's come and gone And nothing's changed at all" I don't want to go another year alone. So if my entire life needs to be shoved in a blender and everything gets all mixed together, so be it. I need to be different. I need to be more. I don't want to be one of those people who looks good on paper but seems a little dry in real life. Mainly I'm just sick of being afraid of everything. Another song from One Tree Hill is kind of how I'm feeling right now, "you cant break a broken heart, so try you best now baby, try your best to break me, you cant break a broken heart, no damage you can do now i'm immune to you now, you cant break what broke apart". My heart has been broken so many times that I'm not sure there are big enough pieces left to hurt. So my thinking is that I have no where left to go but up, right? As I told my therapist, "I know how to be healthy, now I need to figure out how to be happy". And I'm finally willing to risk enough to do a little trial and error. I wrote before about the enormity of the options before me. Well, I'm sick of sitting around trying to figure out which one will be best. I'm just going to jump into options until I find one that fits. So if you have any suggestions, I'm willing to test it out...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Doing what I'm supposed to do.
For as long as I can remember I have always done exactly what I'm supposed to do. I was in every club in high school. I was a cheerleader. I played tennis. I graduated with honors. In college, same story. I was in clubs. I was on student government. I went to therapy and worked hard to get past all my issues. Just what I was supposed to do. Once again, I graduated with honors. Then I got a job in my field. Just like I was supposed to. Now, I'm in the middle of applying for graduate school after taking that year off. Just like I was supposed to. My parents brag about me to all of their friends, "Look at my daughter, isn't she just perfect" and of course their friends are envious because their children lack "focus" and "goals". I love school. I don't think I will ever belong anywhere as well as I belong in the realm of academia. That is where I thrive. Ever since I graduated though, and here's where the BUT comes in, I've had this nagging urge to do something crazy, out of character, unexpected. I was talking to Bridget about this last week and she asked what I wanted to do and the first thing that came to mind was travel. Then, I was watching One Tree Hill last night, and I know this is a weird place to come up with inspiration, but Lucas was adapting his novel into a screenplay and I remembered that ever since I was a little girl I have always wanted to write a novel. There is something else I have always wanted to do but it always seemed a little far fetched, I have always wanted to learn Greek. I know it's not very practical to know Greek. But you remember that saying, "It's all greek to me."? I always wanted to be able to say, "Greek makes sense to me." Then I was talking to Bethany last weekend and she gave me some advice that I was very willing to accept. She said that you find pieces of yourself in different places, so go find them. I think my biggest issue right now is that I don't want to look back at my life and regret the things I didn't do. So, I need all of your help to be more spontaneous and to not hold back because I feel self-conscious. Thanks in advance. Ha ha.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
No on Hate
As you probably know I have been a pretty vocal supporter of gay rights for years, Nina, Melanie, and I even wrote a bill in support of gay marriage in high school. So, you could say I tend to be sympathetic to their cause. However, their behavior in response to the passing of proposition 8 is making me regret those years. Do they really think that 52% of California is Mormon? Who would have guessed that a religion who believes in the old testament would not support the same thing that destroyed soddom and gamorrah? I love their protest signs that say "no on hate" when they are actively engaging in hate crimes against a church that does nothing but good. Yes, lets protest the house of God. We live in a democracy. That's what makes our country great. A government by the people and for the people. I heard a protestor on tv the other night talking about how it is ridiculous for the majority to dictate what rights the minority has. But that's how the government works. That's how everything works. The many are not going to bend over backwards to accomodate the few. Nudists aren't hurting anyone but it's still called indecent exposure when you walk around with your reproductive organs flapping unmolested in the breeze. No one is taking away the rights of people to be gay. They are just saying that homosexual marriage isn't legal. However, protesters are trying to take away the right of freedom of speech and freedom of religion. And those are freedoms insured by the constitution specifically. Like I said, I was all for not taking away people's agency but when we are talking about bringing that into schools- that's a different story. A third grade teacher told her students that a prince can marry a prince and a princess can marry a princess. That's a little too much for me. As for those members of the church who want to be gay and still maintain their membership, you have to pick a side. Either you believe in the prophet and follow his counsel or you don't. God isn't going to change His mind because you want Him to. And trying to fight the church is just going to leave you excommunicated and bitter. It's a church. It's not a democracy. It's an oligarchy. And everyone is acting like California is going to set a precedence, but did anyone notice that two other states did the same thing on election day? To all of the no on 8 people out there who peacefully accepted the results, kudos. For all of you protesters, and that includes all the people out there who are protesting the protesters, maybe you should read your signs. Because I'm all in favor of voting for and supporting no hate.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Being Shallow
After reading my Quarterlife Crisis blog, my friend Scott told me that I'm thinking to much about my life and suggested that I try being shallow for a while. Let me tell you, that is a lot harder than it sounds. Especially since I have nothing to do but sit around and think. My job, at first glance might seem marginally challenging. I mean seriously, we're talking about teenage girls with serious behavioral problems. But no, I spend a majority of my time filling out stupid paper work and watching the girls watch tv. Let me tell you, eight hours of watching them do homework, walk, and clean is not using even 1% of my brain power. The maybe fifteen minutes of processing with one of them is not nearly worth the seven hours and forty-five minutes of mind numbing boring me to deathness. So, I think all day because what else am I supposed to do? Then, I come home to an apartment with roommates who hardly talk to me because lets face it- I never learned Mandarin. This is followed by sleeping for way longer than any person ever needs to because I don't really have anything to wake up for. When I do finally wake up, I have the choice of watching tv or studying for the GRE, neither of which is particularly appealing. So, I spend some more time thinking. I have a very active imagination and all this thinking leads to me worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine. I'm not like depressed or anything. I'm just bored. REALLY, REALLY bored. I even volunteer, fulfill my calling, and go to the family history library once a week and I'm still bored. I need to find something that will use a portion of my brain and keep me occupied so I don't have time to think about my life and myself. I really miss school. And I miss my family. And I miss having friends. I'm starting to think Provo was a bad idea. But at the same time, I don't want to be that girl who always goes home when things aren't going my way. I mean Provo is really pretty, but I kind of hate it here. I'm a people person, in case you haven't noticed and almost all of my favorite people are at least two hours south of here. I'm really home sick. Why am I a five year old?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Playing tag with Caytee...
What happens if I don't know five people with blogs?
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Where is your significant other? ??? (Good question.)
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Fun
5. Your father? Dependable
6. Your favorite thing? Sleeping
7. Your dream last night? Bad (I hate Halloween.)
8. Your dream/goal? mother
9. The room you're in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Asking for favors.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? My apartment
14. What you're not? Complicated
15. One of your wish-list items? Learn how to fly an airplane
16. Where you grew up? Parowan/ Las Vegas
17. The last thing you ate? French fries
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your TV? Off
20.Your pet? N/A
21. Your computer? Big
22. Your mood? pensive
23. Missing someone? Jimmy
24. Your car? Gray, Toyota, dented fender...
25. Something you're not wearing? my watch
26. Favorite store? J Crew
27. Your summer? Sad
28. Love someone? Family
29. Your favorite color? Purple or yellow
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Today
I award the following people with the "I love your blog award" and in so doing tag them to complete the above questions with one word answers.
Tag: Bridget, Nicole, and Bethany
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Where is your significant other? ??? (Good question.)
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Fun
5. Your father? Dependable
6. Your favorite thing? Sleeping
7. Your dream last night? Bad (I hate Halloween.)
8. Your dream/goal? mother
9. The room you're in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Asking for favors.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? My apartment
14. What you're not? Complicated
15. One of your wish-list items? Learn how to fly an airplane
16. Where you grew up? Parowan/ Las Vegas
17. The last thing you ate? French fries
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your TV? Off
20.Your pet? N/A
21. Your computer? Big
22. Your mood? pensive
23. Missing someone? Jimmy
24. Your car? Gray, Toyota, dented fender...
25. Something you're not wearing? my watch
26. Favorite store? J Crew
27. Your summer? Sad
28. Love someone? Family
29. Your favorite color? Purple or yellow
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Today
I award the following people with the "I love your blog award" and in so doing tag them to complete the above questions with one word answers.
Tag: Bridget, Nicole, and Bethany
5 Joys
- Family
- The Gospel
- Chocolate
- Rain
- Sleeping
5 Fears
- Failure
- Death of a Loved One
- Non-existent cracks in flat surfaces
- Not getting into graduate school (ever)
- Never getting married
5 Obsessions
- Counting- Luke counts
- Cleaning- Bridget cleans
- Checking- Jess checks
- Hoarding- Casi Jo is a whore (cue Dr. John Ault)
- Grammar- yes I corrected your grammar, trust me- it sounds, looks, and reads better my way.
5 Surprising Facts
- I have never been kissed.
- I am a spoiled brat, a fact that surprises most people. Why? I don't know.
- I own the movie Rudy and yet I have never seen it in my life.
- I love men who are awkward- this is not surprising to Bridget or Casi Jo who comprised a list of qualities my perfect man would possess- 1. Rich, 2. Tall, 3. Mormon, 4. Awkward, that's it...That's the whole list.
- I get inexplicably shy (something I'm usually not) around guys.
5 People to Tag
- Bridget
- Nicole
- Bethany
- I don't have
- any more friends.
Monday, October 13, 2008
My Quarterlife Crisis
I've been trying really hard lately not to complain. I have a great life. I've had every opportunity. I have a great family and great friends....But whoever said your twenties are the best time of your life is on hallucinogens and is definately not Mormon. There are too many decisions and too many ways to choose wrong, it is literally paralyzing. So I bought this book at Barnes and Noble called, "Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties". In this book it says that, "the quarterlife crisis is a response to overwhelming instability, constant change, too many choices, and a panicked sense of helplessness." It also says that, " A big part of twentysomethings' attempts to adjust to their new lives (after graduation) involves stalling like they have never stalled before." I spent all summer stalling. I spent all summer looking for a magic 8 ball to tell me what I should be doing an where. The thing is that I know that I want to be a therapist. I know that I want to be a wife and a mother. But do you know how many different paths there are to get to those things? How do I know which path is best for me? Take being a therapist for example, I can go to graduate programs for Licensed Clinical Social Work, Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapy, I can get my Masters in Psychology and then move up to get my Ph. D. in clinical Psychology or I can just apply straight to a Clinical Psychology Ph. D. program. So I have five options for degrees. Do you know how many schools offer these dgrees??? Let me tell you...pretty much any school has at least one of these programs. And they are all different and tailored towards different ideas, theology, and analyzation. Some provide theoretical training on just one theory that they believe works best for ever kind of therapeutic situation. Some provide an analyzation and exploration of most or all theories of therapy in order to provide students with an understanding of all theories and the situations they might work best in. Some schools are somewhere in the middle. Plus, I have to take into consideration the fact that I don't usually do well in courses taught by women. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's the honest truth. The only two B's I ever received in psychology courses were from a woman. I think I just find male faculty more approachable. That's some good fodder for a psychoanalyst to go after some day. But back to the point... I can't make a decision. I'm once again stalling. I wasn't going to apply to any Ph.D programs, mainly because the idea of four more years of school makes me want to pull all of my hair out. But I was worrying about getting letters of recommendation and wondering why I was so nervous to ask a couple of my professors for letters when I realized that it was because I'm afraid they'll be disappointed that I'm not pursuing a more challenging educational path. I know that I'm capable. I'm not bragging, but probably my biggest strength is that I'm smart, at least I'm school smart. I could handle the academic rigors of a Ph. D. program. The more I entertained the idea, the more I liked it. However, there are two issues. One, the economy is not so great right now and my parents probably won't be able to help me out very much and everyone I've talked to has cautioned that it's nearly impossible to attend graduate school and work at the same time. Since I didn't work while doing my undergrad, I believe them. I thought that I would take this year and save some money, but the only job I found is on-call and I work like five days a month. So, I make enough to feed myself and pay rent and that is pretty much it. I know that most people take out loans, but I have this thing about going into debt, it's kind of church related and I know the prophet wasn't saying that we should never take out a loan, I just feel anxious about it. Plus, there is that whole other thing. How am I ever going to date or get married if I spend the next five years working on a Ph. D? I really don't want to be alone forever. But I want to help people. I want to be an amazing clinician and a ground breaking researcher. I want to help people the way that my therapist helped me. I would love to teach someday. There is also this part of me that just really wants to take off. I want to leave Utah, leave everything, and travel. I want to live in random places like Chicago and Seattle, I want to go to Europe, wait tables at a cute little restaurant in Paris. I feel like I just need to do something crazy because I'm never going to be twenty-two and single again. I'm never going to be as free from responsbility as I am now. Then there is another part of me that just wants to move to Vegas and let my mom take care of all the responsibility for now. I just keep thinking that if I move to Vegas, I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I could get a good job. Mom and Jim would take care of the rent, make sure I'm fed (with really excellent food), pay for my clothes, my hair, my make-up, etc. Plus, I would get to spend a lot more time with my little brother and this is such an important time for him to have good influences around him. My room there is very nice and I'd have privacy. But it just seems like taking the easy way out. Since me and mom are finally getting along all the time, there would be no opposition with me living there. Everything would be perfect. Except I would be a twenty-two year old living at home. Plus, there is this little problem with the fact that I felt really good about moving to Provo. That's the main thing I guess right now. I keep asking the Lord to tell me what to do and He keeps telling me to be patient. I know that I'm living the way that I'm supposed to and that He's going to make sure everything works out. But I feel like that promise to make everything work out is dependent on my working as hard as possible. You know President Hinckley's saying, " The only way to get anything done is to get on your knees and ask for the Lord's help, and then get to your feet and go to work." Well, I've always worked like that. I've always asked for the Lord's guidance and then done what I needed to do. I've always worked hard at the gospel and living the way I thought the Lord wanted me to. Now, it seems like the Lord is saying that I'm ready to make my own decisions. No matter which path I take that is laid out before me, I'm going to end up somewhere good. Somewhere that I'm supposed to be. So I guess my main problem comes straight out of "Quarterlife Crisis", "They doubt their decisions, their abilities, their readiness, their past, present, and future...but most of all they doubt themselves." I have so many decisions to make. What if I make the wrong one? What if, after all of my preparation and planning, I can't achieve my goals? What if I fail? That is why I'm sitting here writing my blog instead of studying for the GRE. Ha ha! I just wish I knew exactly what I'm supposed to do...but I don't.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Who I Am
When I was in high school Sandra Benson gave our class an assignment to write an essay about who we were. At the time, I honestly didn't know. I thought I did. But a lot of my essay was defining myself through my relationship with others. I wrote things like I am a daughter of God or I'm Barbara's granddaughter. Both of those things are true, but hardly relevant to who I am. Heavenly Father has billions of daughters and my grandma has three granddaughters. I could go through and list all the many ways that I described myself in terms that were hardly unique, however, that would make for a boring read. All through college I was the same. I was a student, a friend, a daughter. Not to mention I was constantly underestimating myself.
Now, after years of experiencing the world, myself, and the ever so fascinating world of psychology; I know who I am. So I thought I would take this opportunity to re-write my essay and tell who I am. Everything I do, I do deeply. I never sit on the fence about anything. I always pick a side and usually pretty quickly. I'm understanding and I don't expect people to see the world the same way that I do. However, I see the world as such a beautiful place with so much opportunity and so much beauty. Sometimes that beauty is just underneath the surface. That's why I fell in love with psychology. Think about it, the study of the processes of the brain. Not the organ, but what the organ produces...it's almost more like the study of the soul. Most people are so beautiful if you just give them the opportunity to get past all of the crap that makes them ugly. I love my family, even more for their mistakes than for their successes. I think that a single mistake says a lot more about a person than a lifetime of successes ever could. I laugh at pretty much everything. If I'm laughing, I genuinely think something is funny- I hate fake laughter. It's like fake love, you're taking one of the purest things in the world and adulterating it. I'm a strong person. At some point I would really love to have someone to take care of me, but right now...I'm really loving the independence and freedom that comes from being alone. That's probably because it took me twenty-one and a half years to figure out that if I wanted to make people happy I had to start with me. And I am genuinely happy. Sometimes I'm surprised at how happy I am. My little brother is probably my best friend in the whole world because I can say, "Remember that one thing at the place?" and he knows exactly that one thing in that one place that I'm talking about. My mom thinks that our brains pick up a frequency that only we can hear. I love shopping because I love the feeling that wearing something new gives me...like buying confidence. I love reading because the world in novels is so organized. That has always appealed to the OCD side of me. Everyone should have a place where they belong and a way that their life works for them. I have this love affair in my brain with people. You know that line from Superman that says, "They can be a great people, they want to be" I've always believed that people have so much potential. Which leads into the fact that I'm like a momma bear protecting her cub when it comes to my friends. My friends are the people that I see the most potential in. I am the most loyal, most fierce friend a person could ever ask for. Once I'm your friend, that's it...you can't ever get rid of me, I'm like your own personal cheerleader encouraging you on to greatness. I believe that's what friends are for, to encourage you to be the very best possible version of yourself. Audrey Hepburn once gave advice about how to be beautiful and a line from that quote has stuck with me most of my life- it's all beautiful advice- but my favorite line was,
"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody". So, even when my friends aren't living up to their potential, I hang on. I love quotes because on the one hand it's a beautiful thing to receive life lessons from those wiser, older, or funnier than yourself. And on the other hand it is nice to know there are people out there who can put your thoughts into prettier or more effective words than you can. I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not because I have been brain washed or because I have been deluded into the God Myth. But because it's true. My whole life is a testament to that fact. My life is full of love. Love for my family and love for my friends, but it is the supreme love of Jesus Christ that shines in every dark corner of my life and allows me to be filled with joy and to experience perfect love. What more can a girl ask for? So, I didn't realize that I was sitting down to write my memoir tonight, but here it is all one thousand pages. Ha ha. Who would think that I would be wordy? You know you love me, Jess Bess
Now, after years of experiencing the world, myself, and the ever so fascinating world of psychology; I know who I am. So I thought I would take this opportunity to re-write my essay and tell who I am. Everything I do, I do deeply. I never sit on the fence about anything. I always pick a side and usually pretty quickly. I'm understanding and I don't expect people to see the world the same way that I do. However, I see the world as such a beautiful place with so much opportunity and so much beauty. Sometimes that beauty is just underneath the surface. That's why I fell in love with psychology. Think about it, the study of the processes of the brain. Not the organ, but what the organ produces...it's almost more like the study of the soul. Most people are so beautiful if you just give them the opportunity to get past all of the crap that makes them ugly. I love my family, even more for their mistakes than for their successes. I think that a single mistake says a lot more about a person than a lifetime of successes ever could. I laugh at pretty much everything. If I'm laughing, I genuinely think something is funny- I hate fake laughter. It's like fake love, you're taking one of the purest things in the world and adulterating it. I'm a strong person. At some point I would really love to have someone to take care of me, but right now...I'm really loving the independence and freedom that comes from being alone. That's probably because it took me twenty-one and a half years to figure out that if I wanted to make people happy I had to start with me. And I am genuinely happy. Sometimes I'm surprised at how happy I am. My little brother is probably my best friend in the whole world because I can say, "Remember that one thing at the place?" and he knows exactly that one thing in that one place that I'm talking about. My mom thinks that our brains pick up a frequency that only we can hear. I love shopping because I love the feeling that wearing something new gives me...like buying confidence. I love reading because the world in novels is so organized. That has always appealed to the OCD side of me. Everyone should have a place where they belong and a way that their life works for them. I have this love affair in my brain with people. You know that line from Superman that says, "They can be a great people, they want to be" I've always believed that people have so much potential. Which leads into the fact that I'm like a momma bear protecting her cub when it comes to my friends. My friends are the people that I see the most potential in. I am the most loyal, most fierce friend a person could ever ask for. Once I'm your friend, that's it...you can't ever get rid of me, I'm like your own personal cheerleader encouraging you on to greatness. I believe that's what friends are for, to encourage you to be the very best possible version of yourself. Audrey Hepburn once gave advice about how to be beautiful and a line from that quote has stuck with me most of my life- it's all beautiful advice- but my favorite line was,
"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody". So, even when my friends aren't living up to their potential, I hang on. I love quotes because on the one hand it's a beautiful thing to receive life lessons from those wiser, older, or funnier than yourself. And on the other hand it is nice to know there are people out there who can put your thoughts into prettier or more effective words than you can. I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not because I have been brain washed or because I have been deluded into the God Myth. But because it's true. My whole life is a testament to that fact. My life is full of love. Love for my family and love for my friends, but it is the supreme love of Jesus Christ that shines in every dark corner of my life and allows me to be filled with joy and to experience perfect love. What more can a girl ask for? So, I didn't realize that I was sitting down to write my memoir tonight, but here it is all one thousand pages. Ha ha. Who would think that I would be wordy? You know you love me, Jess Bess
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)