Resolutions...HAH!

This year I am not only not going to make a resolution, I'm going to take back last years resolution (Seeing as how I didn't quite accomplish it). Mainly because if I had known myself better I would have known better than to make it. My non-relationship is sadly the best relationship I have. So in 2010 I hope everything stays the same. Cheers!

How Old is Old Enough?

Is there an age limit for doing what your parents tell you? And if so, am I getting close to it? Not that I don't love being obedient, but I have too many parents and all of them like to tell me different things to do... MUY CONFUSING!

Being Not Scroogey

Nothing illustrates the true reason for the season better than my favorite Christmas song! It bears an amazing testimony of the Savior and the true importance of His birth. I choke up every time I hear the first and third verses. So, please read, and as you read, pause to remember how much the Savior loves us.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining,

It is the night of Our dear Saviour's birth.

Long lay the world In sin and error pining,

'Til He appear'd And the soul felt its worth.

A thrill of hope The weary world rejoices,

For yonder breaks A new and glorious morn.

Fall on your knees! O, hear the angels' voices!

O night divine, O night when Christ was born;

O night divine, O night, O night Divine.

Led by the light of Faith serenely beaming,

With glowing hearts By His cradle we stand.

So led by light of A star sweetly gleaming,

Here come the wise men From Orient land.

The King of Kings Lay thus in lowly manger;

In all our trials Born to be our friend.

He knows our need, To our weakness is no stranger,

Behold your King! Before Him lowly bend!

Behold your King, Behold your King.

Truly He taught us To love one another;

His law is love And His gospel is peace.

Chains shall He break For the slave is our brother;

And in His name All oppression shall cease.

Sweet hymns of joy In grateful chorus raise we,

Let all within us Praise His holy name.

Christ is the Lord! O praise His Name forever,

His power and glory Evermore proclaim.

His power and glory Evermore proclaim.

Possibility

Possibility by Lykke Li

There’s a possibility

There’s a possibility

All that I had was all I gon’ get

There’s a possibility

There’s a possibility

All I gon get is gone with your step

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,

You’re the only who knows

Tell me when you hear my silence

There’s a possibility

I wouldn’t know

Know that when you leave

Know that when you leave

By blood and by mean

You walk like a thieve

By blood and by mean

I fall when you leave

So tell me when you hear my heart stop,

You’re the only one who knows

Tell me when you hear my silence

There’s a possibility

I wouldn’t know

Tell me when my sigh is over

You’re the reason why I’m close

Tell me if you hear me falling

Theres a possibility

It wouldn’t show

By blood and by mean

I fall when you leave

By blood and by mean

I follow your lead

Feels Like Home?

Lately I feel like a broken record. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm mad at this boy. I don't know what to do with my life. I like this boy. I don't know what to do with my life... you all are going crazy wanting to punch me in the face or the stomach since that is probably where you will be sick if you have to hear about how bad my life sucks one more time. I'm sorry! Thanks for bearing with me even though you'd rather be somewhere else. But, I'm going to make you all crazy one more time because blogging is very therapeutic for me. I kind of just need everything out there and organized in writing. Ha ha. So, I had an epiphany of sorts tonight. I had this panicky overwhelmed feeling overcome me, like there is so much that I need to accomplish and I'm running out of time to do it. And I didn't know what to do. I was sitting in a chair crying when I needed to talk to a certain someone. I never understand why I need to talk to him or why I need him in my life. So I started thinking about it. And I remembered something that happened when I was sixteen. It was the last day of school-junior year. And for some reason a friend and I weren't invited to go to breakfast with our friends. So we decided to forget them and hang out with some other girls and go to lunch with them in Cedar to celebrate our summer freedom. Everything was fun and fine at lunch, we had a good time, all was well. Then two of the girls who rode with us wanted to stop by the apartment of some college boys they knew. When we got to the apartment there was a bong laying on the counter and a bag of weed in another room, the whole apartment smelled like weed and the guys were totally creepy. I was raised in a bar with alcoholics, but drugs were new for me. I didn't know what to do- it was one of those experiences where you are sick because the Spirit just flew out the window. The two girls we were with wanted to stay so my friend and I drove around town for a couple of hours waiting because we didn't want to leave them. It really wasn't the biggest deal. I've had much more upsetting experience since then. But I spent the rest of the day trying to get rid of that sick feeling I got from the loss of the Holy Ghost. Later that day I was driving around town thinking and I saw this boy and a friend playing a game. So I stopped to talk to them. As soon as I could look into his eyes, the bad, sick feeling was gone. And I felt instantly safe. In that moment I knew that no matter what happened, I was safe with him. That no matter what happened, if he could help it, he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me. To this day that boy makes me feel safe in a way that no one else does. I know from life experience that he would do pretty much anything for me. So I guess that's why, at the end of a bad day, I need him in my life to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need him to tell me that because I know that he wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. He feels like home. And to quote the Dixie Chicks, "I need something to believe in, Breathe in sanctuary in the, Easy silence that you make for me, It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me, And the peaceful quiet you create for me, And the way you keep the world at bay for me". No matter what's going on, he always feels like my center, my constant, my home base, if you will... the one place that I'm always safe. And no matter how hard I try I can't seem to let that go- because no matter how hard I push, he always answers when I call.

U2, The Black Eyed Peas, and Billy Gilman...?!

I had a weirdly (for me) eventful weekend. It all started with a text from my little brother Friday morning letting me know that he was ditching out on a family concert to go to a Halloween carnival at his old elementary school. What a dumb kid. So my mom told me to bring a friend. Luckily Casi Jo was able to go with me. We had a very fun drive to Vegas...
"Did we pass Mesquite?" -Jess
"I don't think so. I don't remember seeing any buildings." -Casi Jo
"That's a sign for Glendale, so we for sure passed Mesquite..." -Jess
"Should we be scared that neither of us noticed a city?" - Casi Jo
"eh." -Jess
and the awesome
"Do you like Jimmy?"- Jess
"Your little brother or your step dad?"- Casi Jo
"EATWORLD!"- Jess
However, when we got to Vegas my step-dad had something crazy go wrong with his eyes and his doctor told him that he couldn't go to the concert. And my mom didn't want him to stay home alone, so Casi Jo and I went to the concert with my step-dad's best friend and his wife... All I have to say is that they are a really special couple. They argued pretty much the whole way to the concert- mainly about instructions for the limo driver. My favorite argument of the evening was this,
"If you're going to act like this all night I'm going to be super annoying to make your life even more miserable." Cath
"Joke's on you. It's not even possible to make me more miserable than I already am." -Mike
Casi and I silently laughed pretty much the whole drive. It was pretty entertaining. When we got to the concert I made Casi Jo stand in line for like half and hour to get my mom a shirt. She loved me. Ha ha. While we were in line we stood next to a man who thought it was funny to yell periodically... "Ya, Ted Nugent." or "I can't wait to see Black Sabbath!" There was also a man who got garlic fries and ate them in line and made Casi and I want to throw up. So Casi finally pushed her way to the front of the line (and butted a couple of people) and I got the shirts. The Black Eyed Peas were already on stage, so we found our seats. Mike refused to sit with us- which we also found pretty funny. Fergie is awesome. Will I Am pissed me off because he kept saying mother %$^*@!. And he did this Barack Obama tribute- which actually got a surprising number of boos considering it was a U2 concert. Ha ha.
While we were waiting for U2 to come on we had this really random conversation about serial killers with Cath, which morphed into a conversation about scary movies and this random girl in front of us jumped right into our conversation. Cath thought that was weird. Casi Jo and I explained that it happens to us all the time because we're from Utah and we don't drink so we had to grow personalities and people find us really entertaining. Or at the very least, we find ourselves very entertaining. Ha ha. U2 was cool. I don't know a lot of their songs- but I think Bono is very attractive so that made things better.
We've already established that I have no business taking pictures. But I'm posting some anyway. ha ha.So like halfway through the U2 concert Bono starts talking about a spacestation and how it was the inspiration for their stage- it didn't occur to me before then that that's what the stage was (I may have thought it was a caterpillar until that point.) So, I shout "Oh, It's a Spaceship!!!" So loud that the row of people in front of me turned and looked at me. Casi was laughing so hard she couldn't breathe "good Jess. We all knew that." And you all only wish that you could have seen our interpretation of what "She moves in mysterious ways" meant! Ha ha. Also, Bill Clinton was randomly there. I want a secret service agent to follow me around. They are hott. All in all it was a great concert and Casi and I had an awesome time.


Yesterday we drove back to Utahland because Casi had to drive to Heber last night. And I watched the end of the BYU game with Rob and his little bro. GO TCU!!! Then we went bowling. Rob and I took two of his little brothers with us. So, we're bowling and Dave shows up with a date and just happens to get put in the lane next to ours- so awesome- and so not awkward. ha ha. The best part of my whole night was in the arcade after bowling. We were looking at the games to see if we wanted to play any of them when Gary leans up against the jukebox and it just randomly starts playing that Billy Gilman song, "One Voice". So Gary feels the need to shout, "I didn't pick this" and walks away quickly. I couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard. Basically, those are the highlights of my weekend. You know you love me!

I'm there

So you all know about my obsession with the dating bible, aka "He's Just Not That Into You". Well, I thought I'd just let everyone know that I've reached this point, "You start thinking that maybe you actually deserve better, not because you learned to love yourself or lost all that weight or saw a great episode of Dr. Phil, but just because you got bored. Bored with the same type of misery over and over again." I'm bored. So find me a guy- I'm tired of wasting the pretty.

HELP!!!

Okay, so I understand the concept of forgiveness. Normally speaking, I would say that I'm pretty good at it. But lately I've been wondering... how many times do you need to turn the other cheek before it's okay to take a step back so they can't hit you anymore? The scriptures say to love those that despitefully use you... is it okay to love them from far away? President Hamilton said, "love is never wasted, even if it's rejected"... is it okay to love that person, but not want to be around them or talk to them? I'm really struggling with this. I always thought I was the kind of person who could deal with anything from the people I love. Go ahead and use me. Go ahead and be mean to me, ignore me, make me feel like crap, it's fine if you don't care about me as much as I care about you... that's what the Savior did- right? So, I thought I was fine with it. I mean, I certainly don't do as much for my friends as the Savior does. So, if it happens to Him, it's fine if it happens to me. "if they hate you, they hated me first". But I'm at a point in my life where I have so much wrong with my life that one little comment, one little slight- is enough to push me over the edge. So for the sake of my mental health- can I be mad at someone, for once? Can I be rude and snide and make them feel bad for making me feel bad ALL THE TIME? I always think that when people are mean, it's because of something I did... but maybe, just this once, can it be just because they are mean people? Because I honestly don't think I've ever done anything bad enough to anyone to merit the way I've been treated. I need your help to understand exactly how forgiveness should work in this situation- because I'm so confused...

Taking the Long Way

Lately I've been feeling like I'm getting left behind. Like everyone is moving on with their lives to bigger and better things... and on the course of life- I'm getting lapped by all my friends and family. However, tonight I realized... I'm pretty sure I'm not even taking the same route as everyone else. As usual I'm doing things my own way and in my own time and to quote the Dixie Chicks, "I'm taking the long way". This song has always appealed to me and I'd like to share a few lyrics that specifically apply to me. "Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself, I opened my mouth and I heard myself, It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself, Guess I could have made it easier on myself, But I, I could never follow, No I, I could never follow, Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else, Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down, If you ever want to find me I can still be found...Taking the long way around" Anyone who knows me, knows this is true of me... especially the "never seem to do it like anybody else" part. So, I guess I just needed to be reminded that I'm different and that's okay. And I just wanted to remind my friends that no matter what path we're taking I love you and it's okay if you take a different route than me- in fact I encourage it! And just maybe you have your own long way...

Who Wouldn't Want to be Me?

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. And let me tell you, I had such an awesome day! The day started with my ho and my midget picking me up at my dad's house. From there we took a rode trip to Provo to have lunch with my Caytee friend... and her invisible baby bump. He he. I tried to take a picture of me with the baby- or Caytee's flat stomach- but I have no skillage and ended up taking a picture of my head next to her boobs. OOPS! That's not a baby! After we left Caytee (SAAD!) We continued to the next stop of our journey- my ho's house in Heber. Heber is gorgeous! We got to see the uncomplete new addition to her house and her mommy made me a delicious birthday cake! Yay! Then, we (and by we I mean Casi Jo) drove to the Gateway mall in Salt Lake- where we met my Colee and Rob friends. We all had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen, it was yummy and I was so glad I got to see so many of my friends. A funny story for you- Casi insists on calling Robert, Roberto and I wasn't paying attention so I thought she called him "Toad"- please feel free to call him that from now on, he sure loves it! he he. After dinner we went to see KEITH URBAN- love him! THANK YOU CASI JO!!! He was so awesome! So entertaining! And so hott! Nicole Kidman is one lucky lady, he even dedicated a song to her. Plus, my Colee and my Midget sent texts to the big screen at the concert for me and after that I thought every happy birthday text was for me! he he. All in all I had a pretty spectacular day filled with all of my favorite people and all of my favorite things!!! Thanks for the wonderful birthday!


My friends are the most amazing people in the world! I love you guys!!!

The Whole Truth

I'm feeling very honest tonight so here goes... I'm starting off with this quote because I realized it describes how I'm feeling, “I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want.” Instead of in here, we should go out here because anyone who knows me, knows I do all my best thinking, pondering, praying... outside. But back to the whole hard truth, for as long as I can remember I have known what I wanted. The details were fuzzy, but since I was sixteen I have known who I wanted to be with and where I wanted to be with him. As usual, life doesn't turn out how you want it. And I haven't even come close to getting what I want. But it feels like anyone else would be settling. I don't want to settle, so if I can't have him- I don't want anyone. It might sound immature. You might think the spoiled brat in me is rearing her "I want what I want" head. But the more I see of the world, the more I experience life, the better I know myself, the more sure I am of the decision I made when I was sixteen. To be fair, I was a pretty mature sixteen year old... the day I made the decision to settle for nothing less than a temple marriage was just before the day I decided that marriage should be to him. However, as many of you know, I've never really had to work at anything in my life. And it's not like I'm suddenly going to change into the kind of person who fights for what I want... so if I'm not going to fight for him- am I making his life worse by being a part of it?

Official Resignation

I'm officially off the market. I will no longer be looking at boys, talking to them, or wanting to date them. From now on they are just really ugly girls with small boobs. I plan to become a crazy old maid. Maybe they can make a card game where whoever gets me looses- WHAT? They already made that game?! But seriously... so don't try to hook me up with your friends, brothers, roommate from freshman year of college. I'm not interested. As far as I'm concerned the whole species of single men is infected with a deadly infectious disease. If I sound bitter, that's because I am. Loves!

Recent Adventures

So, I have done a few new things lately. I have also done some not new things that were super super fun. Here's a run down for y'all.

1. Hiking Kolob with my Robert friend. Good thing he is uber patient- because I'm not exactly a trooper....
That is where we hiked. Rob took that picture with his phone. I was pretty impressed.
Why do we think it's a good idea to take a picture of me after I've been sweating and whining all afternoon? This was the point of the hike. It was a lot cooler in person. Also, notice how I'm supporting the wrong college. Go Aggies or something. Sorry Thor!
This is from the overlook that you can drive to. If you haven't been to Kolob you should def check it out. I did not enjoy hiking up. But I loved hiking down... ha ha. Poor Bob.

2. Geo-caching. So I was looking for something to do... and of course I was surfing the google wave looking for ideas, when I found a suggestion to go geocaching. So, I googled geocaching, found out what it was... and of course made Robert take me. Again, poor Bob. We went one evening and actually found our cache, with only one minor injury on my part. It was a walk to the coordinates one. Then, Nicole and I were bored one night and made him take us again, but this time I wanted to try a riddle solving one...needless to say, we didn't find the final cache. But we certainly had fun finding clues. And there was the added benefit of Nicole getting a really creepy picture of Robert!
That is the creepy picture. Courtesy of Nicole's facebook. (yes, those are headstones.)
This is Nicole and I having fun geocaching. The far awayness is because we wanted the fire hydrants, also because I wasn't wearing makeup. This picture also courtesy of Nicole.

The highlight of the night though was probably when we left all the car doors open while wandering around the side of the highway in Paragonah and a bunch of moths moved into Rob's car. This was followed by a lot of shrieking by Nicole and me and an utterance of, "Shut your mouth" by Robert. He was referring to the fact that a moth flew into my mouth... but I still, you never tell a girl to shut her mouth! ha ha.

3. My "B" Girls weekend with The Boss, The Bridge, and me (The Bear)


Above picture, me reading to Nicole and Bridge, Bridge sleeps, Nicole wears sunglasses in my bed. Yes, this is how we roll.

We would all lay in the same bed to read a book... For more details, please refer to Nicole's "What Happens In Vegas" blog.

4. Hawaii!!! My mom's family has gone to Hawaii without me like three times...but I got to go this time. It was AMAZING!!!
This was the view from the balcony of my hotel room in Maui.

They have these really cool rainbow eucalyptus trees, and this one has my name carved into it... I don't know ho Seth is, but he loves me!!! Yay.On the road to Hana. This road was so crazy. It's like a one lane road with traffic going both ways, right on the side of a cliff, with hairpin turns, and half the road is completely blind- you can't tell if there is another car coming at all. Half the road isn't even paved. Plus, the locals drive like 60 miles per hour on this road...needless to say, the tour bus almost crashed like six times. But it was one of the prettiest drives I've ever been on.
You can kind of see the road in this picture.

A real luau. It was one of my favorite parts of the whole trip. SO COOL!!!And just in case you were wondering, Maui is 11, 904 miles that way from Zimbabwe- at least, that's what the sign says...

Thank you all for participating in my new and old adventures. I love you all!!!

Out of Touch

The other day my little cousin posted a status on facebook that said, "I hate when people write poned, learn how to spell and get off the internet losers." When did I get so out of touch? I didn't even know what word was trying to be spelled... I had to ask my 15 year old brother. SAAD. So, for those of you who are woefully out of touch such as myself- apparently powned (this is the correct spelling) or "pwned" means owned, as in I own you- typically in reference to beating someone at a computer game or some such thing. Who knew?

Beautiful to Him

So much noise, so much peace destroyed,
I can hardly hear the voice, leading me through the void,
So much noise.
The world's little lies,
Destruction in disguise, opportunities to compromise,
To make me beautiful in their eyes,
But I'm not gonna buy the world's little lies.

'Cuz I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from within,
I want to be beautiful to Him.

He's given me His trust, so I'll be strong enough,
To run from a dangerous touch, I don't need that kind of love,
I don't need that crutch, He's given me his trust.

I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from within,
I want to be beautiful to Him.

I know how to shine, my life's not really mine.
It's not about a worldly climb, it's all about His design.
So in His eyes, I want to shine.

'Cuz I define myself and find my beauty in the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine intentions every day I live.
It doesn't matter what the world believes,
Or what they say that beauty means,
It comes from within,
I want to be beautiful to Him.

I want to live to have His peace,
And feel the holiness He seeks.
It comes from within.
I want to be beautiful... to Him

Normal,.. HAHA

So, tonight my mom and I were talking about my plans and my life and the stuff I want to do. Sometime during this conversation she turns and looks at me and says, "Why don't you want to do normal things?" Anyone who knows me should know what my response to that was... "Um, I hope I don't do anything normal." Honestly, who aspires to be normal- boring people that's who. You know you love me. Ha ha!

The Next Chapter In My Life...

Jessica does Salt Lake. Questions, comments, jubilations, criticisms of my life choices, etc. are all welcome...

WANTED

I'm stealing my Nicole's idea... but I'm giving it a little twist. I'm in desperate need of a man who acts like a man- not a little girl. I'm tired of being surrounded by pansies. Under no circumstances should the girl have to make the first move. Under no circumstances should the girl have to open her own door or defend herself when people are mean or crossing the line. I'm so sick of "men" who just sit there and expect a girl to come fling herself at him... what an awesome predicament we find ourselves in ladies. We do everything and then they get to decide whether they want us or not. Are you effing kidding me? These so called men should be lining up around the block hoping and praying that you will give them a chance- not the other way around. Maybe I'm being old fashioned, but seriously is it so much to ask that men be men so we can be free to be women again? I'm afraid there are no good men left in this world... they are all either liars, cheaters, or girls; in which case I'd rather just hang out with a girl- My girl friends are way less dramatic than most of the boys I know. So until the male population in general decide to grow some testes- I'm out. I'm very seriously swearing off boys... consider this my official letter of resignation.

"Sometimes I think if there was a third sex men wouldn't get so much as a glance from me." ~Amanda Vail

My Good Buddy

Lest anyone get concerned- this is for a great friend... not a love interest.

Friday night beneath the stars
In the field behind your yard
You and I are paintin' pictures in the sky
And sometimes we don't say a thing
Just listen to the crickets sing
Everything I need is right here by my side
And I know everything about you
I don't wanna live without you

I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying to let you know
That what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you

Just a small town boy and girl
Livin' in a crazy world
Tryin' to figure out what is and isn't true
And I don't try to hide my tears
My secrets or my deepest fears
Through it all nobody gets me like you do
And you know everything about me
You say that you can't live without me

I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying to let you know
That what I feel is true
And I'm only me when I'm with you

When I'm with anybody else, it's so hard to be myself
Only you can say

That I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well you drive me crazy half the time
The other half I'm only trying to let you know
that what I feel is true

And I'm only me
Who I wanna be
Well, I'm only me when I'm with you
With you

Monthly Reminder... ha ha.

Guys, the gospel is amazing. Everyday I learn new things that simply reinforce the amazingness of the gospel. And I just wanted to give everyone a little dose of encouragement. I was reading a book the other day that said, "Some men see the worst in others, but some men only see the worst in themselves". I think that's true of all of us sometimes. It's so easy to become discouraged. Sometimes I think that is Satan's biggest tool against us. Especially against us sisters. It's so easy for us (meaning me) to fall into this mindset that we aren't good enough. Well, let me tell you. You are good enough. You are wonderful exactly the way God made you. Your mistakes and your shortcomings are what make you you. I learn so much from all of you almost everyday. So many quiet acts of service and so many kind words are spoken everyday and I wonder if we even realize the impact that our smallest acts have? We have so much potential to do great things. I have kind of a little challenge for you all- it's a challenge that I'm giving myself and I think it will be easier for me if my friends do it to (ha ha- just one of my shortcomings). Let's make Satan afraid of what we will do. I've spent a lot of my life ( especially since reading Moses) scared to death of Satan- I even used to have nightmares about him all the time. But as Joseph Smith said, we were born to be disturbers and annoyers of the adversaries kingdom. Let's be the people who when we wake up in the morning Satan says, "oh no, they're up again". Just for a little added motivation I'm enclosing a quote from the book The Brother's -If you haven't read it- READ IT. So, I'll set it up for you- these brother are in the premortal experience and the adversary is trying to get him to take his side in the war in heaven. Ammon, the brother, rejects Satan plan and Satan goes all knashing of teeth on him. This is Ammon's response, "Do what you will. I don't fear you now. I understand, can't you see that?I know what you can and can't do to me now. You can tempt me, desert me, or cause me great pain; you can create a dark world that may cause me to fear; you can rule your world with blood and terror, that's true. But you can't win. And I know that. Weak as I am, with all of my failings, I am stronger than you. I will soon have a body. And I have my agency now. I will increase in my faith and knowledge and power. I am not perfect, but I will be, and there's not a thing you can do! I will become like the Father if I follow the Son. You are powerless to stop me. You can threaten and tempt and whisper lies in my ear, but you can't stop me, Satan; I see that so clearly now! I can stop myself, yes, but only if I follow you. And I reject your temptations. I reject your whispered lies. I reject you, Lucifer, and your entire plan. You have no power to control me. I am in control of myself. And try as you might, you won't control me on earth. Here, or the earth, it doesn't matter; I AM ALWAYS STRONGER THAN YOU." You are all so wonderful and so full of beauty and potential. Please don't forget that. You can make a difference and you can win. I love you all.

I Wish I Had Something to Blog About.

I'm so boring that I'm annoying myself. So if you think of any fun things for me to do in the city of sin (excluding anything that would prevent me from obtaining a temple recommend) please let me know.

Same Mistake and Divine Retribution

I do believe that I am the dumbest person on the planet. I keep making the same freaking mistake and then I sit there and wonder, "How did I end up here?" Like it isn't exactly the same every time. There is a good possibility that I have a Savior complex... and it keeps getting me into trouble because I think that I am strong enough to handle it and that I could really help someone. But no one is that strong and I am so sick of breaking my own heart in exactly the same way. Is there anyone out there who would be willing to physically restrain me? I would really appreciate it. And maybe actually take my phone away? Great. Anyway, so I said I wasn't going to see him again EVER- maybe I'm setting my goals too high- but I still walked outside when he showed up at my house... and here is the part where the divine retribution comes in, my eye is now swollen shut. Serves me right. Maybe I'm allergic to him? Hopefully. Anyway, here are the lyrics to James Blunt's "Same Mistake" because it's exactly my feelings and it's put much prettier than I could write it.
"And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak."

I'm Just a Girl

My mom fell in love with this song when I was in the fourth or fifth grade, the song was Spiderwebs, by a band called No Doubt. Over the years she has always loved them- she especially identified with the lead singer, Gwen Stefani. She also LOVES contributing to charities. So imagine the happy joy my brother and I had upon discovering the not only was No Doubt getting back together- they were going on tour- and their tour started in our very own town, at Tiger Jam (a charity concert for the Tiger Woods Foundation). The perfect birthday present for the mother who has EVERYTHING. Last night was the concert. We had a blast. The opening act was a band called The Sounds- I'd never heard them before but I'm sure some of you have. Then Paramore went on and rocked the house. Finally, Ben Rothlesburger and Tiger Woods came out and introduced the main attraction. The highlight of the evening was when they played Running to a video montage of them in their early days...I love sentimental crap like that. The only draw back was that either Paramore or No Doubt, maybe both has a large following of PDA prone lesbian couples...it was very distracting. There was also this older couple a few rows in front of us and the wife kept reaching down and rubbing her hand ALL over her husbands butt. My little brother and I were scarred for life. Seriously people, no one wants to see you all over another person in public- if you can't keep your hands off each other, get a room instead of concert tickets. I'm just saying. Over all, it was a very enjoyable evening and relatively good family fun. And yes, I actually took a couple of pictures... be proud.

If We Don't Stand for Virtue Who Will?

Sister Elaine S. Dalton posed that question when the Young Women general presidency added virtue to the list of young women values. A couple of nights ago I had a very interesting conversation with my best friend from high school. She's made some decisions that are very different than the decisions I have made. And she typically spends a great deal of our time together deriding me for being a prude and being too religious. As a result, I don't spend that much time with her anymore. But as we were sitting in my car talking she gave me the advice, "have fun kissing, but don't go any farther- it isn't worth it". I almost started crying because I realized that she regrets the decisions she's made. It also brought home this quote for me, "Often those who publicly deride you for your high standards privately do not want you to violate them. They need your good example." I can't think of any way I can be a better example to others than by being virtuous. President Hinckley said, "there is nothing in this world as magnificent as virtue. It glows without tarnish. It is precious and beautiful. It is above price. It cannot be bought or sold. It is the fruit of self mastery." I am grateful for the doctrine of virtue in my life, it has saved me a lot of heart ache in the past. I am also grateful for all my gorgeous virtuous lady friends- they are wonderful people who are great examples to me- I love you guys! To wrap things up I would like to leave you with an excerpt from Pres. Hinckley's How Can I Become the Woman of Whom I Dream speech, "You are creatures of divinity; you are daughters of the Almighty. Limitless is your potential. Magnificent is your future, if you will take control of it. Do not let your lives drift in a fruitless and worthless manner...For you my dear friends, the sky is the limit. You can be excellent in every way. You can be first class. There is no need for you to be a scrub. Respect yourself. Do not feel sorry for yourself. Do not dwell on unkind things others may say about you....Polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with a great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life and look for its opportunities, and forever and always be loyal to the church. Never forget that you came to earth as a child of the divine father with something of divinity in your very makeup. The Lord did not send you here to fail. He did not give you life to waste it."

WTHeck?

I realize that I'm not exactly a fount of common sense, so there are a lot of things I don't understand... Jason Mraz for example... but how is it that you can know everything about a person and still need them? How can you know that someone is shallow and insecure and totally clueless and still depend on them? How can you let someone so completely untrustworthy have so much of you? You know that you are giving them all the ammunition they need to hurt you, but you still need them? How many times do you need to let the same person hurt you in the same way before enough is enough? How can you love and hate the same person with equal measure? I guess I'm trying to be rational about something irrational. But what adaptive purpose could this phenomena possibly serve? It makes no sense, yet most people experience it.

Things I wish I learned in college (or high school)...or really anytime.

1. How to work blinds. I get how to open the slats but putting the strings off to the side so you can just lift up the whole shebang totally confuses me.

2. How to check to make sure the LinkSys box is plugged in before I freak out about my wireless not working.

3. How to get asked out on a date (by someone appropriately aged- I'm not really asking for much, just somewhere between the ages of 20 and 40).

4. How to avoid walking into the bench at the end of my bed everyday of my life.

5. How to get a job without any experience to speak of.

6. How to flirt my way out of a ticket with a woman police officer (apparently batting your eyelashes and feigning innocence has no effect on your own gender.)

7. How to stop a fourteen year old boy from propositioning me.

8. How to respond to the statement "you have big tatas."

9. How to stop getting hit on by men twice my age.

10. How to stop my parents from comparing me to my siblings.

11. How to stop a moving car from the passenger's seat.

12. How to make a decision.

American Soldiers

So, tonight I was watching this heart wrenching episode of CSI New York (because Danny is freaking hott and he totally beat up this racist guy) about the holocaust. I pretty much just sat in front of the tv and balled the whole time. But, they were showing clips of survivors talking- not real survivors- one of the survivors was talking about being saved by American soldiers and I just had this flash of extreme pride or patriotism or something come over me. Nothing can make me cry like a soldier. Just picture for a minute, you're in a prison, you've been tortured- sometimes for years- most, if not all of your family is dead, you've seen countless acts of barbarism, brutal murders, and there is no end in sight... then one day you look up and instead of your captors you see an American soldier. Just imagine the feeling of relief, safety, freedom. I can only imagine- I've obviously never been through anything that horrific. I don't know if I've ever shown my patriotic side to everyone before, I know most of you are picturing liberal Jessica in one of her- I want civil rights rants. But, without soldiers, I wouldn't have any rights. Without soldiers, we would still be English- paying crazy taxes to the king and drinking tea with horrible accents. And everyday we have soldiers in our country who wake up, prepared to defend those rights- with their lives if they have to. I can't possibly express my gratitude. Or my pride to live in the USA. So, I'm glad you got to be a part of my American soldier soliliquy. Here are the lyrics to Toby Keith's American Soldier. I cry everytime I hear it on the radio. I also cry at the national anthem. Just thought I'd share. Now you all have some ammunition to use against me.

"I'm just trying to be a father,
Raise a daughter and a son,
Be a lover to their mother,
Everything to everyone.
Up and at 'em bright and early,
I'm all business in my suit,
Yeah, I'm dressed for success from my head down to my boots,
I don't do it for money, there's still bills that I can't pay,
I don't do it for the glory, I just do it anyway,
Providing for our future's my responsibility,
Yeah I'm real good under pressure, being all that I can be,
And I can't call in sick on Mondays when the weekends been to strong,
I just work straight through the holidays,
And sometimes all night long.
You can bet that I stand ready when the wolf growls at the door,
Hey, I'm solid, hey I'm steady, hey I'm true down to the core,
And I will always do my duty, no matter what the price,
I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrafice,
Oh, and I don't want to die for you,
But if dyin's asked of me,
I'll bear that cross with honor,
'Cause freedom don't come free.
I'm an american soldier, an american,
Beside my brothers and my sisters I will proudly take a stand,
When liberty's in jeopardy I will always do what's right,
I'm out here on the front lines, so sleep in peace tonight..."

And to all of you American Soldiers out there, I'd like to extend a profound thank you for your service. God Bless You!

If you want to make God laugh...

Tell him your plans.

I'm officially applying to law school in the fall.

Who would have guessed?

I don't take pictures

To the endless chagrin of my best and closest friends- I don't take pictures. Even if I remember to bring a camera- which I usually don't- I never seem to muster up enough desire to capture something on film (or whatever the appropriate term is) to actually take a picture. I don't have children. I don't have a husband. I have two nieces whose dad doesn't want their pictures exploited all over the internet. Therefore, I don't have any adorable pictures of my husband and I making out in front of the temple or my child with a diaper on their head... all I really have is pictures of me and Nicole doing ridiculous things and she usually blogs about them, pretty funnily too. So, I'm extending an apology to all of you lazy blog stalkers out there who only want to view pictures. I'm super sorry that you have to take an extra three minutes out of your day to read the paragraph I wrote instead of simply viewing a multitude of pictures. A picture says a thousand words- my writing says a few hundred. Consider it my version of moderation.

Now, to illustrate my lack of camera-ing skills I will post a few of the pictures on my camera.

Let's start by showing how if I do take a picture, I take about a thousand of the same thing.That is Lexi and I watching Chuck in 3D. Then there is the typical "I want pictures of this- so make Nicole or Bridget bring their cameras" - delightful. Bridget and I went to New York for four days in February. She took close to two hundred pictures- a good third of them were of me. And my camera was in the bag I was carrying the whole time. There were two pictures on my camera. Neither of them were of Bridget. The only reason I have those two pictures was because Bridget suggested that I might like to have some pictures with my own camera. Here are those two pictures.

See how great. Then there's Nicole and I at Hannah Montana opening night. I was so pleased that I wanted pictures. This is what I took.
This is the picture Nic took:
Getting the picture? Ha ha. So until I'm cool enough to remember to bring a camera or have children that I find really entertaining... the point is- don't expect a plethora of pictures any time soon. You know you love me.

Being well behaved

"Well behaved women seldom make history"

“A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.” (or maybe she will) - Abraham Lincoln

So, most of my life I have prided myself on being obedient, responsible, and thoughtful. I don't do things because it might reflect poorly on my family. I don't do things so people won't think poorly of me. Then the other day I was looking through pictures of my grandparents and great-grandparents... and this got me remembering stories that I've heard my whole life. These stories paint pictures of some of the wildest people.

"I’d much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships."

From the tawdry to the downright violent- I come from a long line of women who did whatever they wanted. Some women in the early 1960's might have put up with an abusive husband- not my grandma- she took her two kids and high tailed it to another state. When she arrived in the new state she befriended a mob boss. So when the SOB inevitably tracked her down she went to the mob boss and stared the ex down while the mob forced him to dig his own grave- they let him go with the promise that if he ever returned to the state he would take up permanent residence in that grave. Another grandma broke a banjo over the head of a woman for making eyes at my grandpa. My dad's mom was offered everything from a car to a college education (in the 1950's) to not marry my grandpa- their fiftieth wedding anniversary is coming up so you can tell that didn't deter her much. My eighty-two year old great-grandma used to volunteer at the temple but still dropped the F BOMB when watching a Jazz game. One of my great-grandma's was universally feared- by men and women- because she had a reputation for being so tough. I have all of this passion, determination, and pure will-powered flowing through my veins- and being reminded of this made me realize that I can be like these women.

"If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased". - Katherine Hepburn

These women were highly respected, well liked, and fiercely loved. It's almost as though remembering their example gave me permission to be like them. So, I'm not saying I'm going to change over-night- but get ready for some scandal- or at least some impetuousness. It's like their legacy has given me permission to stir things up a little- live outside the box.

“I don't mind living in a man's world as long as I can be a woman in it.” -Marilyn Monroe

Psychoanalyze this!

So last night my friend Dan and I were having this amazing conversation about hott athletes because promising me that David Wright would be on sportscenter was the only way he could get me to watch with him. As I proceeded to tell him all about who was attractive, I realized that most of my favorite guys are way older than me. There's something about a man in his thirties that just really attracts me. This is slightly disturbing because my mom is 42. So we're talking about men who are sometimes closer to her age than mine. It also causes some problems- some of you will remember a certain 54 year old professor who will not be named. I apparently am not that good at telling how old someone is. I spent much of the afternoon pondering this and I decided that I (in my naive state) appreciate the idea of an experienced man... someone who isn't crazy awkward and who realizes the subtle importance of helping a girl put on her jacket and opening the door. And to be honest, I think I intimidate the guys my age. I've always been mature for my age, and I really enjoy being around guys who don't flinch at the word vagina. The only problem with this is that all the guys who are old enough to interest me are married or divorced or if they haven't been married kind of scare me (how do you make it that long as a boy without getting married?). Since married is out of the question... Ha ha! and I don't really want to pick up someone from the reject pile...that leaves divorced. Yay. Who wants to be a step-mom at twenty-two? So we're back to the million dollar question, Why am I soooo special?

I don't fit in the box...

Something that is, and always has been infinitely annoying to me is that people consistently make wrong assumptions about me. I have a mother who is an ACDC loving, Neiman Marcus shopping, Mercedes driving, socialistic, crazy city person. And a father who only listens to Willie's place, hunts in his free time, drives a flat bed toyota pick-up, thinks Mitt Romney is liberal, and is a retired rodeo cowboy who says my hometown of 2,500 is getting too BIG. Looking at me, it would be easy to assume that I'm a lot more like my mom. I dress well, I have many more hand bags than I could ever use, I drive a compact eco-friendly car. And all the outer signs confuse people into forgetting that I'm way more like my dad. My hometown is my favorite place in the entire world, I actually started crying when I heard the song "Where I'm From" on the radio today because I was so homesick. Out of all the fancy expensive restaurants I've been to, I prefer the Parowan Cafe. I go to elk camp almost every year. I'm a decent shot. Despite the fashion boots and freshly manicured hands I am not afraid of dirt. I'm not afraid of hard work. I love driving my dad's Ford 350. Camp fire is one of my favorite things. The smell of dirt is another of my favorite things. I love going to the horse races.
The main point of all this information is that I am a complex person. One minute I am a high maintenance sissy from the city and the next I'm covered in dirt showing some boy how to pull weeds. Don't underestimate my ability to do anything. My entire life I have had to be a city girl and a country girl. Don't take that for granted. I'm educated and well spoken, but don't be surprised if I drop the t in mountain or the o in iron. Most importantly- I'm an octogon- not a square or a circle, so don't be surprised when you try to fit me in the square/cirle shaped peg...I'm warning you now, I won't fit.

My funny life.

So, I lead a life that entertains me very much. I just thought everyone would like to view the dialog from some of my favorite conversations that have happened recently.

Jimmy: So Romeo grabs his lunch tray...
Jessica: You have a friend named Romeo and you didn't tell me.
Nick: his name is Nick, but we have a lot of Nick's so they call everyone different things.
Jessica: What do they call you Pfeiffer?
Nick: Pfeiffer.
Jessica: Oh.
Ben: They call me Ben.

Scott: Everybody has to yell at the people on the side of the street.
Jimmy: Hey you clowns!
Scott: You suck!
Ben: Heeelllooo Pedestrians.

Mom: Jessica, what is a rainbow party?
Jessica: No.
Mom: No what?
Jessica: We are not having this conversation.

Ben: Jimmy, you are stupid.
Jessica: Thank you. Knucks.
Jessica: Ow!
Ben: I kind of just punched your hand. I apologize.

See, I don't need friends of my own. I have four fourteen year old boys who do the most retarded things in the world to entertain me... And a completely inappropriate mother. I will never be bored.

I Hate Endings

All of my life I have secretly wished that I was Scarlet O'Hara from Gone With the Wind. I don't know why, but I have always been very drawn to the story. When I was in high school, I used to watch the movie all the time in an effort to make myself feel better- my life was not nearly as bad as hers. I had never mistakenly spent the greater part of my life loving the honorable Mr. Ashley Wilkes only to find out that I really loved my husband the day that my best friend died. And I had certainly never had my husband leave me with the words, "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." I knew that as long as my life wasn't as bad as hers I would be fine. However, I finally read the book and had a crushing realization... I have my own Ashley. " 'He never really existed at all, except in my imagination,' she thought wearily. 'I loved something I made up, something that's just as dead as Melly is. I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not. And I wouldn't see what he really was. I kept on loving the pretty clothes- and not him at all.'" Scarlett spent 12 years "loving" Ashley. Cut that in half and I'm starting to feel pretty bad about myself. Ha ha. At least I recognized that my Ashley didn't fit the suit before the love of my life walks out the door.



Another realization that I had was that I have separation issues. With people, books, and television shows. Yes, I know...I'm a weird person. But whenever I know something is going to be over I drag it out. I put off watching the last episode of Gilmore Girls for weeks. I had to force myself to finish Gone With the Wind. When did I get so sentimental? I hang on to friendships that I should have let go of many moons ago. Also, I want to marry Rhett Butler. I think that he may be the main appeal of the story. It's funny how much I learn from books- especially things about myself. Ha ha.