HELP!!!

Okay, so I understand the concept of forgiveness. Normally speaking, I would say that I'm pretty good at it. But lately I've been wondering... how many times do you need to turn the other cheek before it's okay to take a step back so they can't hit you anymore? The scriptures say to love those that despitefully use you... is it okay to love them from far away? President Hamilton said, "love is never wasted, even if it's rejected"... is it okay to love that person, but not want to be around them or talk to them? I'm really struggling with this. I always thought I was the kind of person who could deal with anything from the people I love. Go ahead and use me. Go ahead and be mean to me, ignore me, make me feel like crap, it's fine if you don't care about me as much as I care about you... that's what the Savior did- right? So, I thought I was fine with it. I mean, I certainly don't do as much for my friends as the Savior does. So, if it happens to Him, it's fine if it happens to me. "if they hate you, they hated me first". But I'm at a point in my life where I have so much wrong with my life that one little comment, one little slight- is enough to push me over the edge. So for the sake of my mental health- can I be mad at someone, for once? Can I be rude and snide and make them feel bad for making me feel bad ALL THE TIME? I always think that when people are mean, it's because of something I did... but maybe, just this once, can it be just because they are mean people? Because I honestly don't think I've ever done anything bad enough to anyone to merit the way I've been treated. I need your help to understand exactly how forgiveness should work in this situation- because I'm so confused...

Taking the Long Way

Lately I've been feeling like I'm getting left behind. Like everyone is moving on with their lives to bigger and better things... and on the course of life- I'm getting lapped by all my friends and family. However, tonight I realized... I'm pretty sure I'm not even taking the same route as everyone else. As usual I'm doing things my own way and in my own time and to quote the Dixie Chicks, "I'm taking the long way". This song has always appealed to me and I'd like to share a few lyrics that specifically apply to me. "Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself, I opened my mouth and I heard myself, It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself, Guess I could have made it easier on myself, But I, I could never follow, No I, I could never follow, Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else, Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down, If you ever want to find me I can still be found...Taking the long way around" Anyone who knows me, knows this is true of me... especially the "never seem to do it like anybody else" part. So, I guess I just needed to be reminded that I'm different and that's okay. And I just wanted to remind my friends that no matter what path we're taking I love you and it's okay if you take a different route than me- in fact I encourage it! And just maybe you have your own long way...

Who Wouldn't Want to be Me?

Yesterday was my 23rd birthday. And let me tell you, I had such an awesome day! The day started with my ho and my midget picking me up at my dad's house. From there we took a rode trip to Provo to have lunch with my Caytee friend... and her invisible baby bump. He he. I tried to take a picture of me with the baby- or Caytee's flat stomach- but I have no skillage and ended up taking a picture of my head next to her boobs. OOPS! That's not a baby! After we left Caytee (SAAD!) We continued to the next stop of our journey- my ho's house in Heber. Heber is gorgeous! We got to see the uncomplete new addition to her house and her mommy made me a delicious birthday cake! Yay! Then, we (and by we I mean Casi Jo) drove to the Gateway mall in Salt Lake- where we met my Colee and Rob friends. We all had dinner at California Pizza Kitchen, it was yummy and I was so glad I got to see so many of my friends. A funny story for you- Casi insists on calling Robert, Roberto and I wasn't paying attention so I thought she called him "Toad"- please feel free to call him that from now on, he sure loves it! he he. After dinner we went to see KEITH URBAN- love him! THANK YOU CASI JO!!! He was so awesome! So entertaining! And so hott! Nicole Kidman is one lucky lady, he even dedicated a song to her. Plus, my Colee and my Midget sent texts to the big screen at the concert for me and after that I thought every happy birthday text was for me! he he. All in all I had a pretty spectacular day filled with all of my favorite people and all of my favorite things!!! Thanks for the wonderful birthday!


My friends are the most amazing people in the world! I love you guys!!!

The Whole Truth

I'm feeling very honest tonight so here goes... I'm starting off with this quote because I realized it describes how I'm feeling, “I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want.” Instead of in here, we should go out here because anyone who knows me, knows I do all my best thinking, pondering, praying... outside. But back to the whole hard truth, for as long as I can remember I have known what I wanted. The details were fuzzy, but since I was sixteen I have known who I wanted to be with and where I wanted to be with him. As usual, life doesn't turn out how you want it. And I haven't even come close to getting what I want. But it feels like anyone else would be settling. I don't want to settle, so if I can't have him- I don't want anyone. It might sound immature. You might think the spoiled brat in me is rearing her "I want what I want" head. But the more I see of the world, the more I experience life, the better I know myself, the more sure I am of the decision I made when I was sixteen. To be fair, I was a pretty mature sixteen year old... the day I made the decision to settle for nothing less than a temple marriage was just before the day I decided that marriage should be to him. However, as many of you know, I've never really had to work at anything in my life. And it's not like I'm suddenly going to change into the kind of person who fights for what I want... so if I'm not going to fight for him- am I making his life worse by being a part of it?

Official Resignation

I'm officially off the market. I will no longer be looking at boys, talking to them, or wanting to date them. From now on they are just really ugly girls with small boobs. I plan to become a crazy old maid. Maybe they can make a card game where whoever gets me looses- WHAT? They already made that game?! But seriously... so don't try to hook me up with your friends, brothers, roommate from freshman year of college. I'm not interested. As far as I'm concerned the whole species of single men is infected with a deadly infectious disease. If I sound bitter, that's because I am. Loves!