The Whole Truth

I'm feeling very honest tonight so here goes... I'm starting off with this quote because I realized it describes how I'm feeling, “I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace, and strength to just let him be happy. Mostly I pray for the strength to not make his life worse because of what I want.” Instead of in here, we should go out here because anyone who knows me, knows I do all my best thinking, pondering, praying... outside. But back to the whole hard truth, for as long as I can remember I have known what I wanted. The details were fuzzy, but since I was sixteen I have known who I wanted to be with and where I wanted to be with him. As usual, life doesn't turn out how you want it. And I haven't even come close to getting what I want. But it feels like anyone else would be settling. I don't want to settle, so if I can't have him- I don't want anyone. It might sound immature. You might think the spoiled brat in me is rearing her "I want what I want" head. But the more I see of the world, the more I experience life, the better I know myself, the more sure I am of the decision I made when I was sixteen. To be fair, I was a pretty mature sixteen year old... the day I made the decision to settle for nothing less than a temple marriage was just before the day I decided that marriage should be to him. However, as many of you know, I've never really had to work at anything in my life. And it's not like I'm suddenly going to change into the kind of person who fights for what I want... so if I'm not going to fight for him- am I making his life worse by being a part of it?