My Quarterlife Crisis

I've been trying really hard lately not to complain. I have a great life. I've had every opportunity. I have a great family and great friends....But whoever said your twenties are the best time of your life is on hallucinogens and is definately not Mormon. There are too many decisions and too many ways to choose wrong, it is literally paralyzing. So I bought this book at Barnes and Noble called, "Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties". In this book it says that, "the quarterlife crisis is a response to overwhelming instability, constant change, too many choices, and a panicked sense of helplessness." It also says that, " A big part of twentysomethings' attempts to adjust to their new lives (after graduation) involves stalling like they have never stalled before." I spent all summer stalling. I spent all summer looking for a magic 8 ball to tell me what I should be doing an where. The thing is that I know that I want to be a therapist. I know that I want to be a wife and a mother. But do you know how many different paths there are to get to those things? How do I know which path is best for me? Take being a therapist for example, I can go to graduate programs for Licensed Clinical Social Work, Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapy, I can get my Masters in Psychology and then move up to get my Ph. D. in clinical Psychology or I can just apply straight to a Clinical Psychology Ph. D. program. So I have five options for degrees. Do you know how many schools offer these dgrees??? Let me tell you...pretty much any school has at least one of these programs. And they are all different and tailored towards different ideas, theology, and analyzation. Some provide theoretical training on just one theory that they believe works best for ever kind of therapeutic situation. Some provide an analyzation and exploration of most or all theories of therapy in order to provide students with an understanding of all theories and the situations they might work best in. Some schools are somewhere in the middle. Plus, I have to take into consideration the fact that I don't usually do well in courses taught by women. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's the honest truth. The only two B's I ever received in psychology courses were from a woman. I think I just find male faculty more approachable. That's some good fodder for a psychoanalyst to go after some day. But back to the point... I can't make a decision. I'm once again stalling. I wasn't going to apply to any Ph.D programs, mainly because the idea of four more years of school makes me want to pull all of my hair out. But I was worrying about getting letters of recommendation and wondering why I was so nervous to ask a couple of my professors for letters when I realized that it was because I'm afraid they'll be disappointed that I'm not pursuing a more challenging educational path. I know that I'm capable. I'm not bragging, but probably my biggest strength is that I'm smart, at least I'm school smart. I could handle the academic rigors of a Ph. D. program. The more I entertained the idea, the more I liked it. However, there are two issues. One, the economy is not so great right now and my parents probably won't be able to help me out very much and everyone I've talked to has cautioned that it's nearly impossible to attend graduate school and work at the same time. Since I didn't work while doing my undergrad, I believe them. I thought that I would take this year and save some money, but the only job I found is on-call and I work like five days a month. So, I make enough to feed myself and pay rent and that is pretty much it. I know that most people take out loans, but I have this thing about going into debt, it's kind of church related and I know the prophet wasn't saying that we should never take out a loan, I just feel anxious about it. Plus, there is that whole other thing. How am I ever going to date or get married if I spend the next five years working on a Ph. D? I really don't want to be alone forever. But I want to help people. I want to be an amazing clinician and a ground breaking researcher. I want to help people the way that my therapist helped me. I would love to teach someday. There is also this part of me that just really wants to take off. I want to leave Utah, leave everything, and travel. I want to live in random places like Chicago and Seattle, I want to go to Europe, wait tables at a cute little restaurant in Paris. I feel like I just need to do something crazy because I'm never going to be twenty-two and single again. I'm never going to be as free from responsbility as I am now. Then there is another part of me that just wants to move to Vegas and let my mom take care of all the responsibility for now. I just keep thinking that if I move to Vegas, I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I could get a good job. Mom and Jim would take care of the rent, make sure I'm fed (with really excellent food), pay for my clothes, my hair, my make-up, etc. Plus, I would get to spend a lot more time with my little brother and this is such an important time for him to have good influences around him. My room there is very nice and I'd have privacy. But it just seems like taking the easy way out. Since me and mom are finally getting along all the time, there would be no opposition with me living there. Everything would be perfect. Except I would be a twenty-two year old living at home. Plus, there is this little problem with the fact that I felt really good about moving to Provo. That's the main thing I guess right now. I keep asking the Lord to tell me what to do and He keeps telling me to be patient. I know that I'm living the way that I'm supposed to and that He's going to make sure everything works out. But I feel like that promise to make everything work out is dependent on my working as hard as possible. You know President Hinckley's saying, " The only way to get anything done is to get on your knees and ask for the Lord's help, and then get to your feet and go to work." Well, I've always worked like that. I've always asked for the Lord's guidance and then done what I needed to do. I've always worked hard at the gospel and living the way I thought the Lord wanted me to. Now, it seems like the Lord is saying that I'm ready to make my own decisions. No matter which path I take that is laid out before me, I'm going to end up somewhere good. Somewhere that I'm supposed to be. So I guess my main problem comes straight out of "Quarterlife Crisis", "They doubt their decisions, their abilities, their readiness, their past, present, and future...but most of all they doubt themselves." I have so many decisions to make. What if I make the wrong one? What if, after all of my preparation and planning, I can't achieve my goals? What if I fail? That is why I'm sitting here writing my blog instead of studying for the GRE. Ha ha! I just wish I knew exactly what I'm supposed to do...but I don't.