Being Shallow

After reading my Quarterlife Crisis blog, my friend Scott told me that I'm thinking to much about my life and suggested that I try being shallow for a while. Let me tell you, that is a lot harder than it sounds. Especially since I have nothing to do but sit around and think. My job, at first glance might seem marginally challenging. I mean seriously, we're talking about teenage girls with serious behavioral problems. But no, I spend a majority of my time filling out stupid paper work and watching the girls watch tv. Let me tell you, eight hours of watching them do homework, walk, and clean is not using even 1% of my brain power. The maybe fifteen minutes of processing with one of them is not nearly worth the seven hours and forty-five minutes of mind numbing boring me to deathness. So, I think all day because what else am I supposed to do? Then, I come home to an apartment with roommates who hardly talk to me because lets face it- I never learned Mandarin. This is followed by sleeping for way longer than any person ever needs to because I don't really have anything to wake up for. When I do finally wake up, I have the choice of watching tv or studying for the GRE, neither of which is particularly appealing. So, I spend some more time thinking. I have a very active imagination and all this thinking leads to me worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm fine. I'm not like depressed or anything. I'm just bored. REALLY, REALLY bored. I even volunteer, fulfill my calling, and go to the family history library once a week and I'm still bored. I need to find something that will use a portion of my brain and keep me occupied so I don't have time to think about my life and myself. I really miss school. And I miss my family. And I miss having friends. I'm starting to think Provo was a bad idea. But at the same time, I don't want to be that girl who always goes home when things aren't going my way. I mean Provo is really pretty, but I kind of hate it here. I'm a people person, in case you haven't noticed and almost all of my favorite people are at least two hours south of here. I'm really home sick. Why am I a five year old?

Playing tag with Caytee...

What happens if I don't know five people with blogs?

1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Where is your significant other? ??? (Good question.)
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Fun
5. Your father? Dependable
6. Your favorite thing? Sleeping
7. Your dream last night? Bad (I hate Halloween.)
8. Your dream/goal? mother
9. The room you're in? Bedroom
10. Your hobby? Reading
11. Your fear? Asking for favors.
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Home
13. Where were you last night? My apartment
14. What you're not? Complicated
15. One of your wish-list items? Learn how to fly an airplane
16. Where you grew up? Parowan/ Las Vegas
17. The last thing you ate? French fries
18. What are you wearing? Clothes
19. Your TV? Off
20.Your pet? N/A
21. Your computer? Big
22. Your mood? pensive
23. Missing someone? Jimmy
24. Your car? Gray, Toyota, dented fender...
25. Something you're not wearing? my watch
26. Favorite store? J Crew
27. Your summer? Sad
28. Love someone? Family
29. Your favorite color? Purple or yellow
30. When is the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Today

I award the following people with the "I love your blog award" and in so doing tag them to complete the above questions with one word answers.
Tag: Bridget, Nicole, and Bethany

5 Joys

1. Family
2. The Gospel
3. Chocolate
   
4. Rain
   
5. Sleeping
   

5 Fears

1. Failure
   
2. Death of a Loved One
   
3. Non-existent cracks in flat surfaces
   
4. Not getting into graduate school (ever)
   
5. Never getting married
   

5 Obsessions

1. Counting- Luke counts
   
2. Cleaning- Bridget cleans
   
3. Checking- Jess checks
   
4. Hoarding- Casi Jo is a whore (cue Dr. John Ault)
   
5. Grammar- yes I corrected your grammar, trust me- it sounds, looks, and reads better my way.
   

5 Surprising Facts

1. I have never been kissed.
   
2. I am a spoiled brat, a fact that surprises most people. Why? I don't know.
   
3. I own the movie Rudy and yet I have never seen it in my life.
   
4. I love men who are awkward- this is not surprising to Bridget or Casi Jo who comprised a list of qualities my perfect man would possess- 1. Rich, 2. Tall, 3. Mormon, 4. Awkward, that's it...That's the whole list.
   
5. I get inexplicably shy (something I'm usually not) around guys.
   

5 People to Tag

1. Bridget
   
2. Nicole
   
3. Bethany
   
4. I don't have
   
5. any more friends.

My Quarterlife Crisis

I've been trying really hard lately not to complain. I have a great life. I've had every opportunity. I have a great family and great friends....But whoever said your twenties are the best time of your life is on hallucinogens and is definately not Mormon. There are too many decisions and too many ways to choose wrong, it is literally paralyzing. So I bought this book at Barnes and Noble called, "Quarterlife Crisis: The Unique Challenges of Life in Your Twenties". In this book it says that, "the quarterlife crisis is a response to overwhelming instability, constant change, too many choices, and a panicked sense of helplessness." It also says that, " A big part of twentysomethings' attempts to adjust to their new lives (after graduation) involves stalling like they have never stalled before." I spent all summer stalling. I spent all summer looking for a magic 8 ball to tell me what I should be doing an where. The thing is that I know that I want to be a therapist. I know that I want to be a wife and a mother. But do you know how many different paths there are to get to those things? How do I know which path is best for me? Take being a therapist for example, I can go to graduate programs for Licensed Clinical Social Work, Licensed Professional Counselor, Marriage and Family Therapy, I can get my Masters in Psychology and then move up to get my Ph. D. in clinical Psychology or I can just apply straight to a Clinical Psychology Ph. D. program. So I have five options for degrees. Do you know how many schools offer these dgrees??? Let me tell you...pretty much any school has at least one of these programs. And they are all different and tailored towards different ideas, theology, and analyzation. Some provide theoretical training on just one theory that they believe works best for ever kind of therapeutic situation. Some provide an analyzation and exploration of most or all theories of therapy in order to provide students with an understanding of all theories and the situations they might work best in. Some schools are somewhere in the middle. Plus, I have to take into consideration the fact that I don't usually do well in courses taught by women. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's the honest truth. The only two B's I ever received in psychology courses were from a woman. I think I just find male faculty more approachable. That's some good fodder for a psychoanalyst to go after some day. But back to the point... I can't make a decision. I'm once again stalling. I wasn't going to apply to any Ph.D programs, mainly because the idea of four more years of school makes me want to pull all of my hair out. But I was worrying about getting letters of recommendation and wondering why I was so nervous to ask a couple of my professors for letters when I realized that it was because I'm afraid they'll be disappointed that I'm not pursuing a more challenging educational path. I know that I'm capable. I'm not bragging, but probably my biggest strength is that I'm smart, at least I'm school smart. I could handle the academic rigors of a Ph. D. program. The more I entertained the idea, the more I liked it. However, there are two issues. One, the economy is not so great right now and my parents probably won't be able to help me out very much and everyone I've talked to has cautioned that it's nearly impossible to attend graduate school and work at the same time. Since I didn't work while doing my undergrad, I believe them. I thought that I would take this year and save some money, but the only job I found is on-call and I work like five days a month. So, I make enough to feed myself and pay rent and that is pretty much it. I know that most people take out loans, but I have this thing about going into debt, it's kind of church related and I know the prophet wasn't saying that we should never take out a loan, I just feel anxious about it. Plus, there is that whole other thing. How am I ever going to date or get married if I spend the next five years working on a Ph. D? I really don't want to be alone forever. But I want to help people. I want to be an amazing clinician and a ground breaking researcher. I want to help people the way that my therapist helped me. I would love to teach someday. There is also this part of me that just really wants to take off. I want to leave Utah, leave everything, and travel. I want to live in random places like Chicago and Seattle, I want to go to Europe, wait tables at a cute little restaurant in Paris. I feel like I just need to do something crazy because I'm never going to be twenty-two and single again. I'm never going to be as free from responsbility as I am now. Then there is another part of me that just wants to move to Vegas and let my mom take care of all the responsibility for now. I just keep thinking that if I move to Vegas, I wouldn't have to worry about anything. I could get a good job. Mom and Jim would take care of the rent, make sure I'm fed (with really excellent food), pay for my clothes, my hair, my make-up, etc. Plus, I would get to spend a lot more time with my little brother and this is such an important time for him to have good influences around him. My room there is very nice and I'd have privacy. But it just seems like taking the easy way out. Since me and mom are finally getting along all the time, there would be no opposition with me living there. Everything would be perfect. Except I would be a twenty-two year old living at home. Plus, there is this little problem with the fact that I felt really good about moving to Provo. That's the main thing I guess right now. I keep asking the Lord to tell me what to do and He keeps telling me to be patient. I know that I'm living the way that I'm supposed to and that He's going to make sure everything works out. But I feel like that promise to make everything work out is dependent on my working as hard as possible. You know President Hinckley's saying, " The only way to get anything done is to get on your knees and ask for the Lord's help, and then get to your feet and go to work." Well, I've always worked like that. I've always asked for the Lord's guidance and then done what I needed to do. I've always worked hard at the gospel and living the way I thought the Lord wanted me to. Now, it seems like the Lord is saying that I'm ready to make my own decisions. No matter which path I take that is laid out before me, I'm going to end up somewhere good. Somewhere that I'm supposed to be. So I guess my main problem comes straight out of "Quarterlife Crisis", "They doubt their decisions, their abilities, their readiness, their past, present, and future...but most of all they doubt themselves." I have so many decisions to make. What if I make the wrong one? What if, after all of my preparation and planning, I can't achieve my goals? What if I fail? That is why I'm sitting here writing my blog instead of studying for the GRE. Ha ha! I just wish I knew exactly what I'm supposed to do...but I don't.

Who I Am

When I was in high school Sandra Benson gave our class an assignment to write an essay about who we were. At the time, I honestly didn't know. I thought I did. But a lot of my essay was defining myself through my relationship with others. I wrote things like I am a daughter of God or I'm Barbara's granddaughter. Both of those things are true, but hardly relevant to who I am. Heavenly Father has billions of daughters and my grandma has three granddaughters. I could go through and list all the many ways that I described myself in terms that were hardly unique, however, that would make for a boring read. All through college I was the same. I was a student, a friend, a daughter. Not to mention I was constantly underestimating myself.
Now, after years of experiencing the world, myself, and the ever so fascinating world of psychology; I know who I am. So I thought I would take this opportunity to re-write my essay and tell who I am. Everything I do, I do deeply. I never sit on the fence about anything. I always pick a side and usually pretty quickly. I'm understanding and I don't expect people to see the world the same way that I do. However, I see the world as such a beautiful place with so much opportunity and so much beauty. Sometimes that beauty is just underneath the surface. That's why I fell in love with psychology. Think about it, the study of the processes of the brain. Not the organ, but what the organ produces...it's almost more like the study of the soul. Most people are so beautiful if you just give them the opportunity to get past all of the crap that makes them ugly. I love my family, even more for their mistakes than for their successes. I think that a single mistake says a lot more about a person than a lifetime of successes ever could. I laugh at pretty much everything. If I'm laughing, I genuinely think something is funny- I hate fake laughter. It's like fake love, you're taking one of the purest things in the world and adulterating it. I'm a strong person. At some point I would really love to have someone to take care of me, but right now...I'm really loving the independence and freedom that comes from being alone. That's probably because it took me twenty-one and a half years to figure out that if I wanted to make people happy I had to start with me. And I am genuinely happy. Sometimes I'm surprised at how happy I am. My little brother is probably my best friend in the whole world because I can say, "Remember that one thing at the place?" and he knows exactly that one thing in that one place that I'm talking about. My mom thinks that our brains pick up a frequency that only we can hear. I love shopping because I love the feeling that wearing something new gives me...like buying confidence. I love reading because the world in novels is so organized. That has always appealed to the OCD side of me. Everyone should have a place where they belong and a way that their life works for them. I have this love affair in my brain with people. You know that line from Superman that says, "They can be a great people, they want to be" I've always believed that people have so much potential. Which leads into the fact that I'm like a momma bear protecting her cub when it comes to my friends. My friends are the people that I see the most potential in. I am the most loyal, most fierce friend a person could ever ask for. Once I'm your friend, that's it...you can't ever get rid of me, I'm like your own personal cheerleader encouraging you on to greatness. I believe that's what friends are for, to encourage you to be the very best possible version of yourself. Audrey Hepburn once gave advice about how to be beautiful and a line from that quote has stuck with me most of my life- it's all beautiful advice- but my favorite line was,
"People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody". So, even when my friends aren't living up to their potential, I hang on. I love quotes because on the one hand it's a beautiful thing to receive life lessons from those wiser, older, or funnier than yourself. And on the other hand it is nice to know there are people out there who can put your thoughts into prettier or more effective words than you can. I belong to the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Not because I have been brain washed or because I have been deluded into the God Myth. But because it's true. My whole life is a testament to that fact. My life is full of love. Love for my family and love for my friends, but it is the supreme love of Jesus Christ that shines in every dark corner of my life and allows me to be filled with joy and to experience perfect love. What more can a girl ask for? So, I didn't realize that I was sitting down to write my memoir tonight, but here it is all one thousand pages. Ha ha. Who would think that I would be wordy? You know you love me, Jess Bess